Have you ever questioned God? In the past year I have questioned HIM many many times...
I am aware of God's goodness... I see it around me daily... I live a blessed life...
But there is this part of me that wonders why God didn't just heal my brother... I mean wouldn't that have been a wonderful testimony of God's power and grace?
I keep going back and forth with my emotions... some days I think "okay Lord- I'm at peace with my brother being gone"... other days I think "why? why? why did YOU take him???"
Its so hard to come to grips with the fact that he is dead. He's never coming back. How can it be a year already? It feels like I said goodbye just yesterday...
I look at pictures and I reach out to them and I sob...
I want him back... I need him... a girl needs her big brother...
Time is suppose to heal all wounds... but how much time? and how can a wound like this ever heal?
I have never in my life felt a pain like this... At times its overwhelming... the ache in my heart hurts more than I ever thought possible...
and as much pain as i'm in...my daddy is hurting even more... I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to bury your best friend- your first born- a perfect child- an extraordinary man... when I look at my daddy, there is no joy in his eyes... he has moments of happiness, but they have been few and far between... and I can't seem to find any words to comfort him...
when my brother died our family was turned upside down... there is an emptiness in each of us- the sunday school answer is "let God fill that hole"... yes I understand that in a perfect world, we would miss him terribly but we would move on with our life... but we're only human- and this isn't a perfect world...
I think about him everyday... i replay conversations in my head... I close my eyes and see his beautiful hazel eyes... I lay my head on my pillow at night and I hear his laugh... I see a little bit of him in each of my children...
When will it get easier?
I love him . I miss him. I want him back...
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