Unexpected

Life. Sometimes it surprises you in the most pleasant of ways. Other times it wrecks you so hard that it hurts to breathe.

I've been going through a grieving process over the last few months. My adult children are doing adult things. They are making their own way in this world, without me to hold their hands, kiss their skinned knees or brush the hair from their face as they sleep at night. That hurts. Its the kind of pain that you can't fathom, you can try to imagine it, but the actuality of it doesn't even come close.

No one warns you of how hard it will be when your children- your heart beat- your sunshine- when they grow up and you are forced to let them go. No one tells you how it will feel as if a part of you has died. No one mentions that you will find yourself up at 2 in the morning wracked with anxiety, wondering if they've made it home safely, is it raining where they are, what if the roads are slippery. No one has words of wisdom about this part of parenting, until its already happened and you are already a mess over it.

I remember bringing my first born home from the hospital and my mother telling me, "Treasure these moments, they grow up so fast." I absolutely remember looking her in the eyes and thinking...i have a whole life time with him.  She was right.

I had dreams and hopes and wants for my children. I pictured them becoming adults and doing very specific things with their own lives. I wanted them to be happy and successful and community driven. I wanted them to discover what they love and chase that passionately. I wanted them to love God more than anything or anyone else.

We don't always get what we want. It's their life to live not mine. Some of the things they have done on their own have made me smile so big, some of the things they have done on their own have made me hit my knees and cry out to God from the deepest part of my heart and soul...

So here I am. It's 1:45 in the morning and I can't sleep. I laid in bed staring blankly into the dark. The tears started to stream down my cheeks. I could feel the wetness of the pillow under my head. I started to weep harder and deeper. I tried to explain my thoughts to my husband but my voice just cracked and shook and I just cried even more.

I keep wondering about the kind of mother I was to them, the kind of mother I am still. Was I loving enough? Was I supportive enough? Did I spend enough quality time with them? Did they feel important? Did they see Jesus in me? I know they love me, but do they like me? Did I do everything in my power to prepare them for this cold cruel world?

Those thoughts cripple me these days. I sit down at my computer to write a paper on criminal law and I soon realize that my fingers have stopped typing and my mind is wandering. I think about them and what they must be doing in that moment. I wonder if they miss me. I wonder if I called them sobbing if I could guilt them into coming back home. Back to me.

Three words. Feet to faith. Who knew that my adult children leaving home would challenge me in the most intense, most soul shaking of ways. I've heard that phrase thrown around my entire Christian walk. I've probably thrown that phrase around myself. This part of my life, this constant anxiety, this painful uncertainty, this is my time to live out those three words. Feet to faith. God is who He says He is. I have to trust Him with my children, all of them. And I do. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Because i'm human, because my mind is full of crazy and chaos, Jesus has to be enough. I'm so thankful that He loves me through my insanity. I'm so thankful that when He sees me, He sees a daughter who is chosen, set a part, and worth it. I couldn't go through my days, especially these particular days, without the grace and mercy and love of God.

Jesus is enough. That is my truth. He is the hope that I cling to. I know I am not alone. Mothers have been mourning the cutting of the apron strings for hundreds of years. They survived, and I will too. If my story is your story, tell me about it. I love a good story- I'm a great listener. Let's laugh and cry and love each other through it together...


Love first, love more, love always,
Angy

You're not the boss of me!

     Shame on me! It's been about 2 years since I've last blogged. I went into the idea of blogging thinking that I would be consistent. Alas, life is chaotic, and unpredictable and can get in the way sometimes...so here I am, at it again!

     If you will allow me, I'd love to share with you my experiences about a new adventure I am about to embark upon.  (que the suspenseful music) I am going to attempt to give up SUGAR! Do not adjust your screens, you've read that correctly. Start praying for me...and my family! 

     Let me explain why: In 2010 I had a total hysterectomy at the age of 32. I had fibroids, cysts, endometriosis and cancer cells in my uterine lining. I am stubborn, and a bit of an idiot, and I opted to not do any form of hormone replacement therapy. I felt the risks were too great, and with my own history and my family's history with various cancers, HRT just wasn't for me.

     For some reason I thought that I could just tough it out and go through menopause at a such a young age all on my own. After all, weren't there menopausal women of generations past? They didn't have access to synthetic hormone treatments right? I mean, what about Eve? I'm sure at some point she started to take that turn in life, and she got through it right? 

     WRONG! Well kinda. Yes, women since the dawn of time have been going through what I've been through and they haven't had the luxury of prescription medications to help ease them through this hellish transition. But what they did have was the earth, and all the medicinal goodness in the forms of herbs and oils. Things I had not even considered until a couple months ago.

     I came to a point just a little while ago where I got completely fed up with feeling like crap. (and that was on a GOOD day.) It was becoming torturous. I was sluggish, foggy minded, anxiety ridden, emotional, moody, depressed and extremely fatigued. I suspected that I was experiencing side effects of my hysterectomy and going through menopause. I began to research my symptoms and do lots of reading on hysterectomies. I spoke to many women in different forums who were all suffering from the same issues as me. 

     What I discovered is that it was a terrible idea to just be all "lone wolf" with my recovery after my hysterectomy. My body had just been through a major trauma and everything was unbalanced and out of whack. I should have helped to ease my body's transition into menopause with something, even it was all natural. (herbs, creams, supplements.)

     So here I am, typing away with my essential oil diffuser necklace on, smelling like ylang ylang and clary sage. Taking my supplements, and getting through day #2 with no sugar. I decided to try this because everything I've read suggests that sugar has a serious effect on our bodies ability to heal. Sugar turns into toxins in our liver. When we ingest sugar there is a part of the brain that lights up like a Christmas tree- the feeling it gives us mimics what happens to someone when they take cocaine. Cutting sugar out of our diets can eliminate brain fog, anxiety and fatigue. It can't hurt me to try this, so I'm giving it a shot.

     I really expected day 1 and 2 to be incredibly difficult, but it isn't at all.  I noticed that I have not needed or craved my mid day nap that has plague me for the past several months. Giving up sugar does force you to read labels, and holy cow, sugar is in practically everything! 

     I am excited to see where this takes me. I can only get healthier from here!

Love first, love always, love more!
Angy

A Good Mom

When I was a little girl I wanted to grow up to be a mama.  This is what my parents tell me... apparently when people would ask "what do you want to be when you grow up?", I would respond, "a mommy!"  In high school I took Home Economics and Child Development classes because I knew they would teach me some things about what I wanted to do later in life.  

I become a mommy relatively early in life... I got married right out of high school, and became pregnant with my first little blessing just a few months after.

Being a mommy has been the most wonderful, trying, frustrating, fulfilling, overwhelming, and magical thing to ever happen to me.

Sometimes I walk into my children's room while they are sleeping and I just thank God out loud for their lives... I can't believe that He entrusted me to take care of these precious souls until He calls them home.  

I LOVE being a mom.  I love hosting sleepovers, entertaining 15 crazy teenagers for dinner at once, running back and forth across town for activities, screaming til my throat hurts at sporting events, shopping for dances and birthday parties... and these days, i've come to absolutely LOVE packing my babies school lunches.

This year, my kiddos attend a private Christian school.  So for the first time, they are consistently bringing lunch from home.  I have a routine in place by now... I wake up, do my morning devotionals, pray, wake up all the kiddos and begin ironing uniforms, and re-assuring the teens that every hair is perfectly moussed and in place, helping locate missing shoes... and then I get to pack each of their lunches!

As I do this, I pray over each of their days... each one of my babies is totally different and they like completely different things in their lunch bags... I pick out different treats, and put together their main entree, and I write little love notes and tuck them away in their bags for them to find during their meal...  little did I know when I began doing that, it would turn out to be the highlight of their day!

My little Roo looks for that note every single day... he has kept every single one since school started and he says it makes his heart smile when he reads them.

A couple weeks ago, as I  was in the kitchen preparing lunches, the most marvelous feeling came over me and I blurted out loud "gosh this makes me feel like a real mom, like a good mom."  And it does...

Now this isn't a dig at mom's who don't do home lunches, or mom's who aren't stay at home mama's... this is just something that was in my heart- just for me...

My life is beautiful.  It is chaotic, and full and on the go and so incredibly blessed.

Thank you Jesus for the blessing of being a mommy.

Girly girl...

For my entire life I have fought against being a "girly girl".  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it was because I grew up riding horses, shooting guns, and going muddin' on four wheelers.  Maybe it was because my daddy was my hero, and my big brother was my best friend.  Or because I preferred my guy friends to my girl friends in school.  Or maybe it was because I never felt pretty, and it was easier to gravitate to that bad girl image and go totally against the grain.  Whatever it was, I never thought of myself as a "girly girl"...until now.

To date, I have lost about 100 lbs.  Who knew that shedding so much weight could change so much about who I see myself as and how I feel about me? I certainly didn't expect it.  I thought that I would feel better, maybe even feel pretty, but I didn't expect this total inner transformation.  But that is exactly what has happened. 

Being able to run and play with my kids is marvelous.  Going up and down flights of stairs without being winded, that's fantastic.  Putting on a pair of size 5 jeans- phenomenal.  Hearing my husband tell me I look beautiful, and believing every word he says- indescribable.  But something else has happened.  I'm discovering that the way I chose to dress and style myself before the weight loss, that just wasn't "me".  It's interesting to see the things that I get excited about when i'm out shopping now.  For instance, yesterday the Sexy and I went to Good Will and I scored some wonderful pieces of clothing that had me smiling from ear to ear!  A little plaid mod sleeveless dress with big front pockets and 2 vintage full skirts.  When I came home and tried on my new finds, I was giggly!  I love how I look in clothes now, but its the style of clothes that I like that is so bizarre to me.  I'm realizing that I always wanted to dress this way and look like this but I didn't have the confidence to pull it off.  Well, theres nothing I can do about all those wasted years of low self esteem.  But now, now that I love and appreciate me, I'm going to wear what I want and not give a darn what other people think. 

So here I am, day after day, finding excuses to wear my cute little dresses.  Always sure to put on a little bronzer and lip gloss before I leave the house... smiling back at the reflection I see in the mirror... This is my wish for every woman, to just love who she is.  It's a shame that it took losing 100 lbs for me to feel this way, but I don't beat myself up over it.  I worked way too hard to let guilt steal my joy!

So come on, get happy... I know I am :)

Interpretations of life lessons...

On the way home from church yesterday, our almost 10 year old Roo, (Rueben) gets super serious and from the back seat he announces loudly "Mommy and daddy, when I get old and have a wife and kids, I'm going to tell my kids the same lessons about life that you've taught me."  My hubby and I look at each other smiling- i'm absolutely sure that we were both expecting something beautiful, touching and profound to come out of his mouth next... So my hubby says "oh yeah, like what kind of lessons?"  Roo says "you know, like when you vacuum, you should always hold the cord so that you don't run it over and start electrical fires."

WOW.  It was funny and adorable and genius all at once.  But it got me thinking about these "life lessons" we teach our kids.  Now, I know, without a doubt- that my husband and I have had endless heart to hearts with each of our kids through the years about things big and small.  Things that we think are monumentally important and things that the kids view as life changing- rarely have we seen eye to eye on the important things by the way.  Of course we've had the "sex" talk a few times- we have four kids- that was always a fun one!  We've talked about God, careers, integrity, friends, self-worth...among many other "important" topics... but when our 10 year old reflects back on his little life and in the moment chooses a life lesson he wants to impart to his future children- he says he'll share with them how to be safe when vacuuming!

I very clearly remember precious nuggets of wisdom that my mama and daddy shared with me through the years.  I am blessed to have parents who love the Lord and modeled a life of generosity, service, honesty and integrity to their children.

I hope when my children are older, and I'm wrinkled and gray, they will have the same wonderful things to say about me...



God is good, all the time.

Bruno Mars had it "sorta" right...

You know that song by Bruno Mars, "Just the way you are"...  It's a sweet catchy love song. From a boy to a girl telling her that she is amazing just the way she is.  I'm married to a guy like that.  To a guy who literally every single day that we have been together has told me he loves me and that I am beautiful.  I know, I'm in awe too- I have no idea how a girl like me got a guy like that!

I never thought of myself as one of those girls with the massive body image issues- or the ones who self loath.  I just always thought that I was a girl who loved Jesus, who loved her family and friends, and they loved me back, but I just didn't like the way I looked very much.  It was a huge deal- it made me sad- but I lived with it.  I didn't really think that the reality of that would ever change.  Now that I think about it, that is a pretty miserable way to live...

Like many women, I was super unhappy with my weight.  I stand 5 foot tall and at my heaviest was 220lbs.  I was out of breath walking up stairs or checking the mail.  I hated the way I looked in clothes, shopping was painful for me- emotionally and physically.  I had a long list of health issues that all stemmed from being morbidly obese.

July of last year, I had a sort of light bulb moment- I decided that enough was enough- God wanted so much more for me than what I was settling for.  I was in bondage to my own body.  I began to seek out medical help for my health issues and that started me on a journey to a healthy me.  At my July doctor's appointment, my primary care physician actually suggested I go to a weight loss surgery seminar.  I was appalled- and offended. Clearly I wasn't fat enough for that- how could he even suggest such a thing.  After going home and doing some research- I realized I was plenty fat for that.  Not only was I big enough weight wise, for the surgery, I was unbelievably unhealthy and that made me a good candidate.  I decided to go to the seminar.  As far as size goes, I was one of the "smallest" people there, but I was the absolute unhealthiest.  Diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma, sleep apnea, gerd, and a heart condition.  After much prayer, I decided to pursue the idea of getting a gastric bypass.  I wasn't completely sold on the thought, but because I qualified through my insurance, it opened up opportunities for me to see a dietician, an exercise specialist and to continue going to monthly appointments where I would get tips and tricks from the experts on healthy eating and weight loss.  In my mind, even if the surgery wasn't for me, I was going to be learning so much valuable information- i was determined to keep going to all the appointments.  I ended up completely changing my eating habits and getting control of my emotional and mental food issues.  From July to December I lost 40lbs!  I was feeling better, but I wasn't quite where I wanted to be.  Despite all my efforts, the blood pressure and diabetes was still present.  By this time I had to schedule a surgery date so I could keep going to all the appointments- so that's what I did.  I kept fighting with myself back and forth about whether or not it was the right decision for me.  My biggest hang up was that I was feeling like a failure.  Why couldn't I just do this on my own?  Why couldn't I just succeed at this weight loss thing?  Other people have done it, I got so far, but yet I had so much further to go.  Was I just giving up by deciding to have surgery?  Was it going to be seen as an "easy way out"?  It came to a point where I had to just be selfish- I had to stop worrying about how others may or may not agree with MY decision- I had prayed about this and had a sweet peace about it, so I needed to do what was right for me.  On December 10, 2012 I checked into the hospital and had a gastric bypass.  I didn't even tell my family!  I waited until I was in recovery and then gave them all a phone call one by one.  That probably wasn't the best way to handle things, and I wouldn't recommend going that route.  I just didn't want anyone’s input about it anymore- i just wanted to do it for me- and so I did.  My surgery was on a Monday, and on Wednesday when I left the hospital, the diabetes and high blood pressure were completely gone.

Pre-surgery I would pour over forums and websites about weight loss surgery- I read everything I could on it.  I would pose questions on discussion boards and I followed bloggers who had been through it.  I would read how hundreds and hundreds of people would describe having this surgery as "The beginning of my new life."  I remember thinking to myself that making a statement like that was a lofty claim...all the while secretly hoping that I could experience that kind of freedom and awakening in my own life.

It turns out- it was all true- for me anyway.  Surgery is different for every person, but for me, this surgery saved my life.  It has allowed me to add years and years onto my life.  I am healthy and vibrant and active.  I look younger, I feel younger.  I don't feel like i'm walking around as a shell of a person anymore. 

During this process, what I found out is that weight loss surgery isn't the "easy way out".  It's actually HARD work to maintain a healthy lifestyle post surgery.  It takes a lot of will power and discipline to make good food choices.  I have to be purposeful and intentional about every bit of food that I put into my body. 

This post isn't about advocating for people to run out and get weight loss surgery.  It's just a part of my own story.  I've had the privilege to talk to many many women who had toyed with the idea of surgery but were scared or just unsure.  By being open and honest about what i've done to lose weight, it has opened the avenue to have some intense intimate discussions about not only weight loss, but God- and His desire for His children to be healthy and full of the Joy of the Lord. 

I've been asked more than a dozen times, "would you do it again?"   My answer every single time is YES.

The goodness of God is every present and I see it poured out on me daily- and I am so thankful for it!

Makin' waves...

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