aging gracefully... sounds blissful doesn't it? what does that even mean? so as my 34th birthday hunts me down like a pack of wild hyenas after the Lion King, i'm finding myself thinking about this phrase "aging gracefully" more and more... i'm almost losing sleep over it... i'm realizing that i feel like i'm the total opposite of said phrase and its making me a grumpy pants :/
case in point: this morning i was on the computer, checking emails, fb'ing, reading the news- my normal morning stuff, when all of a sudden i hear music- it's the song i have as my mamma's ringtone, so i thought she was calling. So i jump up from the computer desk, I nearly break a hip because the handle of the chair is wedged underneath the glass desk, all the while balancing out a flat screen monitor that nearly topples over, i dart towards the bedroom, and realize my phone is in my hand- and its not ringing! I walk back to the computer and the song that was playing was from the music player on my blog. If this were any other day, i may have laughed till i peed my pants, but today isn't just any day. Today is Wednesday, and i've been thinking about this getting older business for several days now. So today, when i almost destroyed the computer area by leaping out of my seat as graceful as a geriatric gazelle, the situation at hand was not funny- not funny at all.
do you ever feel like you are losing your mind?
do you walk into a room, full speed ahead, on a mission- and then spend the next 15 minutes trying to remember what that oh so important mission was?
do you run around your house frantically looking for keys that are in your hand or your pocket?
have you ever dialed a phone number, the person answers and you blank out- you forgot who you called?
Gosh i hope its not just me... i'm going to choose to blame all of this on menopause... 33 year olds aren't suppose to be thrust into this wonderful stage of life, til they are a seasoned older woman- i didn't have a choice- my inside lady parts decided to revolt and because they have a medical degree, and mine is in criminal justice- i decided to listen to my doctors and opt for a total hysterectomy... so here i am. a 33 year old who feels like a 70 year old. hot flashes, short term memory loss, taking my shot of metamucil every morning, boobs that are heading south faster than a college student trying to get to Cancun for spring break... ughhhh.
I have a blessed life, so i'm not going to complain "too" much ;) its just that, i feel way too young to be going through some of these things, and this is my blog- so i can write whatever i want!
Thank you for listening to me rant- but if you want to make me feel better, leave a comment assuring me that what i'm going through is just a phase, or just stress from moving, or blame it on menopause or just say something witty that will make me giggle...
love- Angy
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
spontaneous combustion
First and foremost, I MUST give praise to my God- He is so good to us- to me- to my family. The best decision i have ever made was giving my life to Christ 11 years ago.
Some pretty amazing things have been happening in our household!
There is a true hero, a man by the name of Troy Yocum, he is a disabled Iraq Vet, and he hikes across the US to raise awareness, and funds, for military families and veterans. His website can be found here: www.drumhike.com He has partnered with a wonderful organization called "Wish Upon a Hero". Troy grants "wishes" to military families. I went to their website, made a wish- and Troy hand picked us to have that wish granted. http://www.wishuponahero.com/wishes/?id=869083 thats the link to the wish i made... In less than 3 days, Troy was able to raise over a $1000 and his foundation purchased a giant playset for Roo from Lowes! Its being delivered in just a few days. Just yesterday, Troy and his wife and their 2 adorable dogs, pit stopped in Orlando to speak at the American Legion and meet our family. Roo was a big part of yesterday's event and even got up in front of the crowd and read a thank you letter that he wrote to Mr. Troy.
As the events of the day unfolded, my heart was heavy- i was feeling burdened for veterans specifically. I couldn't shake that feeling all day long... I've been praying so hard that God will tell me what to do with my free time while the kiddos are in school- I want to productive, I want to be impactful, I want to reflect Jesus to people in a meaningful way... I'm passionate about missions and serving- this I know. It takes some people their entire lives to figure out what their "destiny" is, but i've known mine since I was a little girl. But yesterday, God did something in my spirit- in my heart- HE revealed to me, that I can combine my passions and have a real impact on His kingdom... When we think of missions, we all picture going overseas- feeding the hungry in Africa, building water tanks in Nicaragua, preaching to the lost in India- those kinds of things- but God has done this new thing in me, He has changed my view of what "missions" is- FOR ME. It is still all those overseas things, but beyond that, anything outside the doors of my own home is a mission field! Some of you may be thinking "duh Angy"! Well, sometimes, i'm slow, or rebellious, or just don't pay attention, and it takes me a little longer to come to these conclusions :)
After hearing the staggering statistics about the suicide rate of Veterans sky rocketing year after year, and hearing stories of soldiers, young and old, coming home from the war and not be able to reintegrate into every day life due to the horrific things they've seen and been through... it all came together for me... and it happened in front of a room full of people and it was so overwhelming that all i could do was weep... It happened yesterday while our countries National Anthem was being sung at the Hike for Our Heroes event.
It is no coincidence that out of every place i've ever lived, right here in Florida has the biggest need in regards to Veteran homelessness. There are serving opportunities everywhere, and more than that, I can still be a missionary by reflecting Jesus to those I serve and helping to build God's kingdom through service and servanthood.
It baffles me daily, that God chooses to use me in any way- it is humbling to know that the Creator of the Universe wants to use me in His perfect plan... I'm so excited to begin this new adventure, and to be an ambassador of Jesus while doing what I love to do!
The very first event I will be volunteering at is taking place this Saturday- Thomas and I will serve side by side at the Cocoa National Guard Armory- the link for that event is here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=157458184305049
Praise God for His mercy, for His grace- for having patience for people like me who a take little longer than others do, to figure out what magnificent thing He has in store for them...
What is it that God is stirring your heart to do? Share your blessing and leave a comment :)
Some pretty amazing things have been happening in our household!
There is a true hero, a man by the name of Troy Yocum, he is a disabled Iraq Vet, and he hikes across the US to raise awareness, and funds, for military families and veterans. His website can be found here: www.drumhike.com He has partnered with a wonderful organization called "Wish Upon a Hero". Troy grants "wishes" to military families. I went to their website, made a wish- and Troy hand picked us to have that wish granted. http://www.wishuponahero.com/wishes/?id=869083 thats the link to the wish i made... In less than 3 days, Troy was able to raise over a $1000 and his foundation purchased a giant playset for Roo from Lowes! Its being delivered in just a few days. Just yesterday, Troy and his wife and their 2 adorable dogs, pit stopped in Orlando to speak at the American Legion and meet our family. Roo was a big part of yesterday's event and even got up in front of the crowd and read a thank you letter that he wrote to Mr. Troy.
As the events of the day unfolded, my heart was heavy- i was feeling burdened for veterans specifically. I couldn't shake that feeling all day long... I've been praying so hard that God will tell me what to do with my free time while the kiddos are in school- I want to productive, I want to be impactful, I want to reflect Jesus to people in a meaningful way... I'm passionate about missions and serving- this I know. It takes some people their entire lives to figure out what their "destiny" is, but i've known mine since I was a little girl. But yesterday, God did something in my spirit- in my heart- HE revealed to me, that I can combine my passions and have a real impact on His kingdom... When we think of missions, we all picture going overseas- feeding the hungry in Africa, building water tanks in Nicaragua, preaching to the lost in India- those kinds of things- but God has done this new thing in me, He has changed my view of what "missions" is- FOR ME. It is still all those overseas things, but beyond that, anything outside the doors of my own home is a mission field! Some of you may be thinking "duh Angy"! Well, sometimes, i'm slow, or rebellious, or just don't pay attention, and it takes me a little longer to come to these conclusions :)
After hearing the staggering statistics about the suicide rate of Veterans sky rocketing year after year, and hearing stories of soldiers, young and old, coming home from the war and not be able to reintegrate into every day life due to the horrific things they've seen and been through... it all came together for me... and it happened in front of a room full of people and it was so overwhelming that all i could do was weep... It happened yesterday while our countries National Anthem was being sung at the Hike for Our Heroes event.
It is no coincidence that out of every place i've ever lived, right here in Florida has the biggest need in regards to Veteran homelessness. There are serving opportunities everywhere, and more than that, I can still be a missionary by reflecting Jesus to those I serve and helping to build God's kingdom through service and servanthood.
It baffles me daily, that God chooses to use me in any way- it is humbling to know that the Creator of the Universe wants to use me in His perfect plan... I'm so excited to begin this new adventure, and to be an ambassador of Jesus while doing what I love to do!
The very first event I will be volunteering at is taking place this Saturday- Thomas and I will serve side by side at the Cocoa National Guard Armory- the link for that event is here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=157458184305049
Praise God for His mercy, for His grace- for having patience for people like me who a take little longer than others do, to figure out what magnificent thing He has in store for them...
What is it that God is stirring your heart to do? Share your blessing and leave a comment :)
Friday, March 11, 2011
starting from scratch....
You all know (and love) our special little boy Roo... He is UNIQUE! We have been dealing with doctors for the past few years trying to get a solid diagnosis so that we can help him be more successful in school and in life- if you don't know what the problem is, how can you find the solution right? Roo has had undergone a slew of tests since he was 5 years old. He's gone from doctor to doctor each agreeing on certain aspects of what the bigger issue with him is, some of them disagreeing and proposing different theories... However today- today we saw a real doctor. A doctor who REALLY listened- who really observed- who asked tons of questions and cared about our answers- who actually conversated with Roo and spent time with him. A doctor who thoroughly went over every single piece of his medical history and listened to our concerns.
I've been dreading/anticipating this appointment for the past several days- I literally did not sleep last night- I laid in bed staring at the ceiling going through different scenarios of what the next morning would be like. Wondering how the appointment would go, wondering how this doctor would be any different than all the others- and praying- praying out loud to God that He would have His hand in every second of the appointment and that He would direct this doctor to the proper outcome in regards to Roo and his diagnosis... And HE did.
A handful of doctors and counselors have been testing Roo for autism- we were all so sure that he was more specifically in the category of Aspergers- as any parent of a child with special needs, you know that you don't just go to a doctor or two and "tada" you have the answer. This whole thing has been a process- a LONG, exhausting, emotional process.
So today- walking into that doctor's office, my hope didn't lie in the hands of that doctor, my hope was in Jesus. I just wanted to find out what makes my sweet little boy so special.
Today we learned that Roo suffers from a severe anxiety disorder, and a mild form of Tourette syndrome. We were already aware of his OCD, and ADHD but these new diagnosis were quite a shock.
Roo has "tics", but I always thought that was a part of his OCD & the aspergers- those things can sometimes go hand in hand...
Anxiety? Really? of all the things, Anxiety? So as this brilliant doctor is explaining these things to Thomas and I, I have an overwhelming sense of peace- and I just wanted to burst into tears all at the same time.
Do you have any idea how much time, effort and energy i've spent researching autism? The countless hours i've spent on the phone with school boards, and superintendents, and guidance counselors- the back to back IEP meetings... and now- we start from scratch.... *sigh*
This entire time we could have been learning strategies to help Roo with what the real issue is...
I'm frustrated, and excited, and relieved all at once.
Thank you to every single one of you have loved Roo despite his differences- who have invested time with him, who have cultivated relationships with my little guy, and especially to those of you have consistently lifted him up in prayer-
I'm so thankful to serve a God who is faithful and sovereign and who loves Roo even more than I do- which is something i cannot even begin to comprehend. I cried out to Jesus and He heard me and we are on our way to getting the right kind of help for my baby boy.
I've been dreading/anticipating this appointment for the past several days- I literally did not sleep last night- I laid in bed staring at the ceiling going through different scenarios of what the next morning would be like. Wondering how the appointment would go, wondering how this doctor would be any different than all the others- and praying- praying out loud to God that He would have His hand in every second of the appointment and that He would direct this doctor to the proper outcome in regards to Roo and his diagnosis... And HE did.
A handful of doctors and counselors have been testing Roo for autism- we were all so sure that he was more specifically in the category of Aspergers- as any parent of a child with special needs, you know that you don't just go to a doctor or two and "tada" you have the answer. This whole thing has been a process- a LONG, exhausting, emotional process.
So today- walking into that doctor's office, my hope didn't lie in the hands of that doctor, my hope was in Jesus. I just wanted to find out what makes my sweet little boy so special.
Today we learned that Roo suffers from a severe anxiety disorder, and a mild form of Tourette syndrome. We were already aware of his OCD, and ADHD but these new diagnosis were quite a shock.
Roo has "tics", but I always thought that was a part of his OCD & the aspergers- those things can sometimes go hand in hand...
Anxiety? Really? of all the things, Anxiety? So as this brilliant doctor is explaining these things to Thomas and I, I have an overwhelming sense of peace- and I just wanted to burst into tears all at the same time.
Do you have any idea how much time, effort and energy i've spent researching autism? The countless hours i've spent on the phone with school boards, and superintendents, and guidance counselors- the back to back IEP meetings... and now- we start from scratch.... *sigh*
This entire time we could have been learning strategies to help Roo with what the real issue is...
I'm frustrated, and excited, and relieved all at once.
Thank you to every single one of you have loved Roo despite his differences- who have invested time with him, who have cultivated relationships with my little guy, and especially to those of you have consistently lifted him up in prayer-
I'm so thankful to serve a God who is faithful and sovereign and who loves Roo even more than I do- which is something i cannot even begin to comprehend. I cried out to Jesus and He heard me and we are on our way to getting the right kind of help for my baby boy.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
One of "those" days...
Today i'm having to reach deep down inside to pull out some goodness- ya know, one of those days, where you wake up with an overwhelming feeling of sadness, or loneliness, or "what if's"... today is that day for me... so i'm having to buckle down, pray it away, and remember that the Creator of the Universe has called me CHOSEN- that i'm HIS daughter.
The past few days have been intense for us. Ava out of nowhere spiked a fever- it went from 101, to 102.7, to 103.6- and that was after staggering tylenol and motrin. I had to figure out where to take her, since we haven't had a medical crisis while living her yet- some girlfriends in my hubby's shop gave me the details, along with my baby sister's genius computer skills, i found a hospital and headed there quick. My concern stemmed from Ava's heart condition and her having dental work done last week. People with heart conditions are at high risk for infection when it comes to dental work- its complicated and not super important to the point i'm trying to make- sooo... I get her to the ER and after a couple hours the doctor gives us some news. She has an ear infection- but the bigger issue is her ginormous tonsils. He then proceeds to ask a series of questions about snoring, allergies, how petite she is, is she delayed in school progress... then Ava chokes and stops breathing right there in the room in front of the doctor! She was exhausted and had fallen asleep. The doctor shakes her and she readjusts herself and goes back to sleep- he says "do you know what just happened?" i say "well, she kind of was just snoring super loud and had to catch a good breathe and then she fell back asleep?".... the doctor then explains what has REALLY happened- and i proceed to feel like an idiot and a horrible sense of guilt begins to settle in the pit of my stomach and it felt as if a horse had just kicked me in my gut... Ava has been choking on her tonsils and has stopped breathing repeatedly for quite some time- we're talking at least 2 years that i can remember. Of course this entire time she has been seen my the lovely Air Force doctors who have never noticed that she has abnormally large tonsils, whether she is ill or not. The doctor proceeds to explain that this medical issue can stunt a child's growth... awesome.... now it feels as if the horse was just replaced with an elephant and my heart is being stomped on! Ava is now on antibiotics to get her body "clean" to prepare her for surgery- we are seeing ENT next week and from there she will be scheduled for surgery.
This blog isn't just about venting- i realized something spectacular in the midst of all of this junk- God is still good!!!
Most of you know that while living in Wyoming I was a hot mess- we're talking sick as a dog, almost 24-7. I couldn't breathe- literally i was barely moving oxygen- I was exhausted most of the time, on upwards of 10 different meds daily...
Fast forward to God's grace being poured over us and we are now in Florida- where i am well! I can breathe- i'm weaned off almost all my meds- i'm well on my way to being healthy!
Praise God for allowing Ava's condition to come to light NOW, so that i'm in a position as her mommy to be able to give 100% to her recovery and rehabilitation! God is crazy and perfect and most days I yell and scream and don't agree with HIS timing, but ultimately, He knows exactly what He's doing!
So even though, today is "one of those days", i'm still encouraged because i serve a God who is on the throne and at work in my life- even when i least deserve it, I am still HIS favorite- and so are you :)
The past few days have been intense for us. Ava out of nowhere spiked a fever- it went from 101, to 102.7, to 103.6- and that was after staggering tylenol and motrin. I had to figure out where to take her, since we haven't had a medical crisis while living her yet- some girlfriends in my hubby's shop gave me the details, along with my baby sister's genius computer skills, i found a hospital and headed there quick. My concern stemmed from Ava's heart condition and her having dental work done last week. People with heart conditions are at high risk for infection when it comes to dental work- its complicated and not super important to the point i'm trying to make- sooo... I get her to the ER and after a couple hours the doctor gives us some news. She has an ear infection- but the bigger issue is her ginormous tonsils. He then proceeds to ask a series of questions about snoring, allergies, how petite she is, is she delayed in school progress... then Ava chokes and stops breathing right there in the room in front of the doctor! She was exhausted and had fallen asleep. The doctor shakes her and she readjusts herself and goes back to sleep- he says "do you know what just happened?" i say "well, she kind of was just snoring super loud and had to catch a good breathe and then she fell back asleep?".... the doctor then explains what has REALLY happened- and i proceed to feel like an idiot and a horrible sense of guilt begins to settle in the pit of my stomach and it felt as if a horse had just kicked me in my gut... Ava has been choking on her tonsils and has stopped breathing repeatedly for quite some time- we're talking at least 2 years that i can remember. Of course this entire time she has been seen my the lovely Air Force doctors who have never noticed that she has abnormally large tonsils, whether she is ill or not. The doctor proceeds to explain that this medical issue can stunt a child's growth... awesome.... now it feels as if the horse was just replaced with an elephant and my heart is being stomped on! Ava is now on antibiotics to get her body "clean" to prepare her for surgery- we are seeing ENT next week and from there she will be scheduled for surgery.
This blog isn't just about venting- i realized something spectacular in the midst of all of this junk- God is still good!!!
Most of you know that while living in Wyoming I was a hot mess- we're talking sick as a dog, almost 24-7. I couldn't breathe- literally i was barely moving oxygen- I was exhausted most of the time, on upwards of 10 different meds daily...
Fast forward to God's grace being poured over us and we are now in Florida- where i am well! I can breathe- i'm weaned off almost all my meds- i'm well on my way to being healthy!
Praise God for allowing Ava's condition to come to light NOW, so that i'm in a position as her mommy to be able to give 100% to her recovery and rehabilitation! God is crazy and perfect and most days I yell and scream and don't agree with HIS timing, but ultimately, He knows exactly what He's doing!
So even though, today is "one of those days", i'm still encouraged because i serve a God who is on the throne and at work in my life- even when i least deserve it, I am still HIS favorite- and so are you :)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
40 before 40 :) (inspired by a friends blog titled "50 before 50"
So i was watching a show the other day and one of the character's said his age out loud- and i caught myself gasping... he said he was 36... you ever heard of the term "aha moment"? Well i had a "fall of the couch" moment! In April of this year i will be 34! In just 6 years i will be 40! Whoa! In my early teen years i had all these hopes and dreams and fantasies of where I wanted my life to be when i was an "old" lady of 40... The realization of my getting older is causing me to reflect on that "list" i once had... some of those things were silly, some not so silly... some of those things i'm actually living out, and some of those items I can happily check off my list... I wanted to be blissfully, happily married- check! I wanted to have 6 children- ummm, i'm totally okay with the 4 wonderful kiddos i have- so check! I wanted to have a degree of some sort- check! I wanted to be living somewhere tropical- check! (sorta!) I wanted to run a marathon- that one is a work in progress, I wanted to go on an overseas mission trip-check! I wanted to visit the Philippines with my family- I'll be actively working on that one!
I've decided to put a new "list" together- thought i'd share some of it with you- I love putting things out into cyber world for all to see- it gives me a sense of being held accountable to what i say... just some things i would like to accomplish before the big 40th birthday hits- so here it is:
*to have a real honeymoon/vacation with just me and the Sexy
*to have run a marathon- no matter how fast or slow, but to just complete it!
*to successfully coordinate a large group mission trip overseas and see that project to completion
*to be comfortable enough in my own skin to sport a swimsuit at the beach (not the moo moo kind)
*to at least begin the process to publish my first children's book
*to fluently learn to speak the native language of my dearest Lola, and to have a real conversation with her in that language
*to be at a place financially that we can tithe more than just 10% of our income
*to build a meaningful relationship with my big brother's daughters- my sweet nieces, no matter how much it may hurt
*to go on a cruise with my Hogan bunch, my parents and my siblings and their families...
*to memorize and be able to recite 50 scriptures verses ("Jesus wept" doesn't count)
*to have served *at least* once a month at some sort of outreach project with my children
those are just a few...
so i'm curious... what would be on your list? care to share a couple?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Inspired.
Today a dear friend did a very brave thing.... without going into too much detail, this wonderfully amazing person i've known since i was a kid, took a leap of faith, and decided to get her life back on track by going into a 7 month long rehab program...
Several days ago, I had this profound dream where i felt like God was revealing things to me in the most loving of ways... I was watching family outing taking place, i could see myself, my kids, the Sexy, my entire family was there- many of my friends... but the insane thing was- the Angy that i was looking at had my face, my crazy curly hair, my signature dimples- but the body didn't match- this person was beautiful- ... I remember being confused at first, and sort of distressed in my dream- as i was watching this beautiful, loving family engage in laughter and conversation, I couldn't figure out why the person I thought was me, wasn't me- but just as i was really feeling overwhelmed by the emotion of what i was seeing, I felt the presence of Jesus just wash over me. There were no words exchanged between Him and I- He "spoke" to me heart, my spirit and I understood. I was looking at the woman that He sees me as.
For those of you who know me very very well- you've probably heard my testimony of being a recovering bulimic. But just because that addiction/illness doesn't hold me bondage anymore, doesn't mean that I don't still struggle with self esteem issues. I'm a woman. I'm a woman who's married to an unbelievably dashing and handsome man- I live in Florida and on a daily basis see women jogging in bikinis and spandex... I'm a woman.
So back to my the first part of the story- my friend reached out to me yesterday and simply said "You are the most spiritual person I know, and I just wanted to ask you if you would keep me in your prayers as I check myself into rehab. I'm scared, but i'm so excited for this new beginning." wow.
God's been stirring my spirit for a long while now about the way i treat the temple that houses his Holy spirit- MY BODY. He revealed something profound to me in this dream, and then a few days later my dear friend reaches out to me in this way.
I love how God is a God of second chances... He's lovingly showing me that He wants me to make changes, and I'm going to obey.
Tonight I ran. Not far- not fast- but I ran. And I will keep running- and I will make better choices when it come to my "temple"...
I don't expect anyone to follow or read this blog... its mostly just for me- to keep me accountable- to give me a place to vent- and praise- and express...
So here goes... I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!
A Gift... July 20, 2009
I recieved the most wonderful gift today. My sister in law Patty, sent a package to my parents house. Inside were many of my big brother's most treasured possesions...
His winter fireman's coat... leather saddlebags from his Harley... several of his leather riding coats... chaps... and a raggedy t-shirt that means the world to me...
A couple weeks before my brother died, we got matching tattoos... when it was my turn to get inked, i realized i was going to have to rip apart my shirt to get it to go down around my waist so i could get tatted up... it was either that or disrobe completely, and being the big brother that he was, TJ was absolutely not letting me take my top off! So he gave me the shirt off his back and ripped out the shoulder and basically turned it into a tube top for me... when he passed away, more than anything, I wanted that shirt. It symbolized so much to me... how loving he was, how giving, how silly, how protective of me as his baby sister... I needed that shirt.
Two years, and many many tears later, I have the shirt. I could feel Jesus wrapping his arms around me as I pulled that shirt out of the box. Have you ever felt that? That feeling is indescribable...
I grabbed one of his favorite leather coats and ran my fingers over the dirt and mud... I put my hands in one of the pockets and felt something... then as if to tell my daddy how much he loves him- out fell my brother's purple bandana... still stinky and crumbled up and tied perfectly to fit around his head... wow. My mamma and daddy just hugged each other tightly and sobbed.
My dad put on one of my brother's coats and nearly collapsed with emotion... I held my daddy as we both wept... there were some tears of sorrow- but there were many tears of joy- and tears of relief- but mostly there were tears because God is sovereign- and He gave us a gift today that will have a huge part in healing this family... finally.
To Patty: Thank you so very much for sending that box. It means everything to us. I will be forever grateful to you for parting with those items...
His winter fireman's coat... leather saddlebags from his Harley... several of his leather riding coats... chaps... and a raggedy t-shirt that means the world to me...
A couple weeks before my brother died, we got matching tattoos... when it was my turn to get inked, i realized i was going to have to rip apart my shirt to get it to go down around my waist so i could get tatted up... it was either that or disrobe completely, and being the big brother that he was, TJ was absolutely not letting me take my top off! So he gave me the shirt off his back and ripped out the shoulder and basically turned it into a tube top for me... when he passed away, more than anything, I wanted that shirt. It symbolized so much to me... how loving he was, how giving, how silly, how protective of me as his baby sister... I needed that shirt.
Two years, and many many tears later, I have the shirt. I could feel Jesus wrapping his arms around me as I pulled that shirt out of the box. Have you ever felt that? That feeling is indescribable...
I grabbed one of his favorite leather coats and ran my fingers over the dirt and mud... I put my hands in one of the pockets and felt something... then as if to tell my daddy how much he loves him- out fell my brother's purple bandana... still stinky and crumbled up and tied perfectly to fit around his head... wow. My mamma and daddy just hugged each other tightly and sobbed.
My dad put on one of my brother's coats and nearly collapsed with emotion... I held my daddy as we both wept... there were some tears of sorrow- but there were many tears of joy- and tears of relief- but mostly there were tears because God is sovereign- and He gave us a gift today that will have a huge part in healing this family... finally.
To Patty: Thank you so very much for sending that box. It means everything to us. I will be forever grateful to you for parting with those items...
Weird Al & butt wiping? Jan 1, 2009
I've been knitting alot lately and it has given me the opportunity to sit back and just listen to the ridiculously silly conversations that take place in the insane asylum known as the casa de Hogan...
for example, tonight after a yummy dinner of homemade tortilla soup, some friends were playing the wii with ava rolling around in the room making hissing noises. Bruce says to Ava "you must be a vampiress." Andrew then says "The only way to kill a vampire is to stab it with its own tooth- and that's a fact." "Bruce says- first of all- it can't be a fact, they don't exist- but everyone knows you only kill a vampire by driving a steak through its heart- preferably a sirloin."
Being a stay at home mom is amazing... I get loved on 24-7... a couple weeks ago Roo comes into my room with his guitar and says "mommy i have a song for you." He then starts to strum his guitar while singing the song Falling Slowly...its one of my favorites...
Then the other day I wake up to this tickling on my cheek- it was Ava giving me butterfly kisses with her eyelashes...
The day after Christmas I caught Summy in a kid friendly chat room telling her friends that God blessed her family with the best Christmas ever...
And then there's Jordon- he still hugs me and gives me a big ole smooch before he leaves the house- in front of his friends!
Then theres my big Sexy.. he's the funniest person i know... we have so much fun together- people tell us that its not healthy that we don't fight- i say poo on them! He's my bestfriend- I love and respect him tremendously- we have such a blessed life...
I'm currently listening to a house full of people gettin jiggy to Weird Al- there's laughter, love and a small child yelling for someone to please wipe their butt... what else could you ask for?
happy new year ya'll! love and blessings always!
for example, tonight after a yummy dinner of homemade tortilla soup, some friends were playing the wii with ava rolling around in the room making hissing noises. Bruce says to Ava "you must be a vampiress." Andrew then says "The only way to kill a vampire is to stab it with its own tooth- and that's a fact." "Bruce says- first of all- it can't be a fact, they don't exist- but everyone knows you only kill a vampire by driving a steak through its heart- preferably a sirloin."
Being a stay at home mom is amazing... I get loved on 24-7... a couple weeks ago Roo comes into my room with his guitar and says "mommy i have a song for you." He then starts to strum his guitar while singing the song Falling Slowly...its one of my favorites...
Then the other day I wake up to this tickling on my cheek- it was Ava giving me butterfly kisses with her eyelashes...
The day after Christmas I caught Summy in a kid friendly chat room telling her friends that God blessed her family with the best Christmas ever...
And then there's Jordon- he still hugs me and gives me a big ole smooch before he leaves the house- in front of his friends!
Then theres my big Sexy.. he's the funniest person i know... we have so much fun together- people tell us that its not healthy that we don't fight- i say poo on them! He's my bestfriend- I love and respect him tremendously- we have such a blessed life...
I'm currently listening to a house full of people gettin jiggy to Weird Al- there's laughter, love and a small child yelling for someone to please wipe their butt... what else could you ask for?
happy new year ya'll! love and blessings always!
Just let go... Dec 1, 2008
I hate it when people say to me that i need to just "let him go". WTFlip??? are you serious? he wasn't a favorite dress... he's not a dead goldfish... he's my freaking brother. he was my best friend. my hero. the person in my life that i looked up to the very most. and i'm suppose to just "let him go"...
yes- i understand that he's gone and he's not ever coming back. now what? am i just suppose to tuck my grief away in a dark closet and jump right back into my life???
and don't give me the "he wouldn't want you to be so sad" speech... i'm sure he wouldn't want me to be so sad- but i'm sure he also didn't plan on dying and leaving me without my big brother.
i've become a pro at putting on a happy face when i'm out and about- but then i get home and i have to face my pain... its devastating.. its overwhelming... its exhausting..
i'm freaking broken. i'm so lost without him. i cry about everything- especially about him. i want him back. how am i suppose to live the rest of my life without him?
Whats the buzz... Nov 26, 2008
Tonight was one of the most spectacular nights of my entire life. I got to be a part of someone's dream coming true.
Anyone who knows Sexy is well aware of his love for the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar".
For several years I have been searching for a show to go to, but they have always been way too far away. (new york).
Well this year Jesus Christ Superstar went off broadway and came to Colorado~! So for our anniversary I suprised Sexy and bought us tickets. Not just any tickets- 2nd row tickets!
I've been excited for months now, but today I was just flippin bursting!
So we walk into the theatre and we are shown to our seats- not only were we 2nd row- we were 2nd row in the orchestra pit. (I could have reached up and touch the actors, but I didn't want to get kicked out) We sat down and Sexy just stared at the stage and I could see how excited he was- we ended up sitting next to a guy who is a huge fan of the musical too- he actually played guitar for several shows! So after chatting a bit the lights dimmed and the music started- we grabbed each other's hands and just looked at each other with these huge smiles on our goofy faces... When Jesus came out onto the stage we both got super misty eyed (okay we were crying)...
I can't describe the feeling of watching someone elses dream come true... it was so beautiful...
Anyway- so i have to get up at the hiney crack of dawn to start my trip to Missouri, but i just wanted to share a little about our evening with ya'll!
Have a yummy Thanksgiving~!
Anyone who knows Sexy is well aware of his love for the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar".
For several years I have been searching for a show to go to, but they have always been way too far away. (new york).
Well this year Jesus Christ Superstar went off broadway and came to Colorado~! So for our anniversary I suprised Sexy and bought us tickets. Not just any tickets- 2nd row tickets!
I've been excited for months now, but today I was just flippin bursting!
So we walk into the theatre and we are shown to our seats- not only were we 2nd row- we were 2nd row in the orchestra pit. (I could have reached up and touch the actors, but I didn't want to get kicked out) We sat down and Sexy just stared at the stage and I could see how excited he was- we ended up sitting next to a guy who is a huge fan of the musical too- he actually played guitar for several shows! So after chatting a bit the lights dimmed and the music started- we grabbed each other's hands and just looked at each other with these huge smiles on our goofy faces... When Jesus came out onto the stage we both got super misty eyed (okay we were crying)...
I can't describe the feeling of watching someone elses dream come true... it was so beautiful...
Anyway- so i have to get up at the hiney crack of dawn to start my trip to Missouri, but i just wanted to share a little about our evening with ya'll!
Have a yummy Thanksgiving~!
Kids, Kitchen, Politics July 9, 2008
The following conversation took place in our kitchen today... it was silly, and serious, and ridiculous and I almost peed my pants... so I thought i'd share...
Summer: jordon could you get the rest of the ranch outta the bottle for me?
Jordon: ummm... let me think- NO!
Summer: Geez Jordon!
Jordon: Shut up Summer!
Daddy: Guys knock it off! Fight about something worthwhile- Jordon you go off and vote for Obama- Summer you go and vote for McCain- then come back to the table and argue about that.
Jordon: I like Obama.
Mommy: What? If you could vote who would you vote for?
Jordon: heck yes- I'd vote for Obama.
Daddy: ***gives Jordon huge high five smiling proudly
Rueben: What's an Obama?
Summer: Are you serious? You would vote for Obama? I don't think he believes in God.
Mommy: ***feeling a little light headed blurts out "I will not raise a democrat!"
Rueben: What's a democrat?
Ava: Can I just get another corndog!!!
Daddy: okay guys, keep fighting, I gotta get to work.
Jordon: I think Obama is a good guy- I think he will make lots of good changes.
Summer: I'm pretty sure I heard he could be a muslim and I think that means he worships that really fat guy that is always laughing.
Mommy: ***almost choking on her tater tot*** I think you mean Buddha... Buddha is the really fat guy- Muslims worship Allah.
Jordon: Ahah???
Mommy: No! not ahah, Allah...
Summer: Mommy who are you voting for?
Mommy: No one- they all suck. If my vote is my voice, then I choose not to speak.
Jordon: Good- then don't vote and then Obama will become president and I will laugh.
Summer: I like Huckabee. Why can't he be president?
Mommy: Because he didn't create enough buzz...
Ava: I want to be president so I can have another corndog.
Everyone: ***laughs hysterically
Summer: jordon could you get the rest of the ranch outta the bottle for me?
Jordon: ummm... let me think- NO!
Summer: Geez Jordon!
Jordon: Shut up Summer!
Daddy: Guys knock it off! Fight about something worthwhile- Jordon you go off and vote for Obama- Summer you go and vote for McCain- then come back to the table and argue about that.
Jordon: I like Obama.
Mommy: What? If you could vote who would you vote for?
Jordon: heck yes- I'd vote for Obama.
Daddy: ***gives Jordon huge high five smiling proudly
Rueben: What's an Obama?
Summer: Are you serious? You would vote for Obama? I don't think he believes in God.
Mommy: ***feeling a little light headed blurts out "I will not raise a democrat!"
Rueben: What's a democrat?
Ava: Can I just get another corndog!!!
Daddy: okay guys, keep fighting, I gotta get to work.
Jordon: I think Obama is a good guy- I think he will make lots of good changes.
Summer: I'm pretty sure I heard he could be a muslim and I think that means he worships that really fat guy that is always laughing.
Mommy: ***almost choking on her tater tot*** I think you mean Buddha... Buddha is the really fat guy- Muslims worship Allah.
Jordon: Ahah???
Mommy: No! not ahah, Allah...
Summer: Mommy who are you voting for?
Mommy: No one- they all suck. If my vote is my voice, then I choose not to speak.
Jordon: Good- then don't vote and then Obama will become president and I will laugh.
Summer: I like Huckabee. Why can't he be president?
Mommy: Because he didn't create enough buzz...
Ava: I want to be president so I can have another corndog.
Everyone: ***laughs hysterically
One. May 18, 2008
Have you ever questioned God? In the past year I have questioned HIM many many times...
I am aware of God's goodness... I see it around me daily... I live a blessed life...
But there is this part of me that wonders why God didn't just heal my brother... I mean wouldn't that have been a wonderful testimony of God's power and grace?
I keep going back and forth with my emotions... some days I think "okay Lord- I'm at peace with my brother being gone"... other days I think "why? why? why did YOU take him???"
Its so hard to come to grips with the fact that he is dead. He's never coming back. How can it be a year already? It feels like I said goodbye just yesterday...
I look at pictures and I reach out to them and I sob...
I want him back... I need him... a girl needs her big brother...
Time is suppose to heal all wounds... but how much time? and how can a wound like this ever heal?
I have never in my life felt a pain like this... At times its overwhelming... the ache in my heart hurts more than I ever thought possible...
and as much pain as i'm in...my daddy is hurting even more... I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to bury your best friend- your first born- a perfect child- an extraordinary man... when I look at my daddy, there is no joy in his eyes... he has moments of happiness, but they have been few and far between... and I can't seem to find any words to comfort him...
when my brother died our family was turned upside down... there is an emptiness in each of us- the sunday school answer is "let God fill that hole"... yes I understand that in a perfect world, we would miss him terribly but we would move on with our life... but we're only human- and this isn't a perfect world...
I think about him everyday... i replay conversations in my head... I close my eyes and see his beautiful hazel eyes... I lay my head on my pillow at night and I hear his laugh... I see a little bit of him in each of my children...
When will it get easier?
I love him . I miss him. I want him back...
I am aware of God's goodness... I see it around me daily... I live a blessed life...
But there is this part of me that wonders why God didn't just heal my brother... I mean wouldn't that have been a wonderful testimony of God's power and grace?
I keep going back and forth with my emotions... some days I think "okay Lord- I'm at peace with my brother being gone"... other days I think "why? why? why did YOU take him???"
Its so hard to come to grips with the fact that he is dead. He's never coming back. How can it be a year already? It feels like I said goodbye just yesterday...
I look at pictures and I reach out to them and I sob...
I want him back... I need him... a girl needs her big brother...
Time is suppose to heal all wounds... but how much time? and how can a wound like this ever heal?
I have never in my life felt a pain like this... At times its overwhelming... the ache in my heart hurts more than I ever thought possible...
and as much pain as i'm in...my daddy is hurting even more... I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to bury your best friend- your first born- a perfect child- an extraordinary man... when I look at my daddy, there is no joy in his eyes... he has moments of happiness, but they have been few and far between... and I can't seem to find any words to comfort him...
when my brother died our family was turned upside down... there is an emptiness in each of us- the sunday school answer is "let God fill that hole"... yes I understand that in a perfect world, we would miss him terribly but we would move on with our life... but we're only human- and this isn't a perfect world...
I think about him everyday... i replay conversations in my head... I close my eyes and see his beautiful hazel eyes... I lay my head on my pillow at night and I hear his laugh... I see a little bit of him in each of my children...
When will it get easier?
I love him . I miss him. I want him back...
God of Wonders March 24, 2008
One of my very best girlfriends came to visit me from San Antonio for a week- it was wonderful... she’s lovely and it was fantastic to see her and hang out...
On the way back from the airport Thomas and I had a conversation that was 8 years in the making...
There are things from my past that are shameful and sad and had burdened me since the very day I knew I loved my Sexy... So we had a conversation about forgiveness...
He knew about the things that pained me from long ago, they were just never an issue to him... however they have been breaking my heart for years now...
It is beyond me why of all the people in this big world, I end up with one of the most beautiful human beings that ever existed... I get the pleasure of growing old with this man... He loves me. For me. Wow.
Forgiveness is a precious thing... God’s forgiveness is there for the taking... you have but to ask for it... HIS grace humbles me.
I realized that the person I was seeking forgiveness from wasn’t God, it wasn’t Sexy, it was me...
It’s so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that God’s love for me is truly unconditional. That it is so big it can’t be contained... That the moment I asked for HIS forgiveness, it was forgiven. That the hurt and shame i’ve been carrying for years is because of me- I let the enemy convince me that there was grace and mercy for everyone but ME... That even though HE forgave it, it was so awful that I in some way continued to internally punish myself for it...I suppose there are many people who feel that way... Who feel like the horrible thing they have done is the one thing God can’t forgive or that HE does forgive it, but HE carries around the disappointment just like we do...
I wish i’d had this conversation 8 years ago... but I didn’t. Maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated HIS grace and love as much back then as I do now...
I always wondered what people felt when they proclaimed to have a "freedom in Christ"... I can see the warm glow from the light at the end of my tunnel... and it is magnificent...
On the way back from the airport Thomas and I had a conversation that was 8 years in the making...
There are things from my past that are shameful and sad and had burdened me since the very day I knew I loved my Sexy... So we had a conversation about forgiveness...
He knew about the things that pained me from long ago, they were just never an issue to him... however they have been breaking my heart for years now...
It is beyond me why of all the people in this big world, I end up with one of the most beautiful human beings that ever existed... I get the pleasure of growing old with this man... He loves me. For me. Wow.
Forgiveness is a precious thing... God’s forgiveness is there for the taking... you have but to ask for it... HIS grace humbles me.
I realized that the person I was seeking forgiveness from wasn’t God, it wasn’t Sexy, it was me...
It’s so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that God’s love for me is truly unconditional. That it is so big it can’t be contained... That the moment I asked for HIS forgiveness, it was forgiven. That the hurt and shame i’ve been carrying for years is because of me- I let the enemy convince me that there was grace and mercy for everyone but ME... That even though HE forgave it, it was so awful that I in some way continued to internally punish myself for it...I suppose there are many people who feel that way... Who feel like the horrible thing they have done is the one thing God can’t forgive or that HE does forgive it, but HE carries around the disappointment just like we do...
I wish i’d had this conversation 8 years ago... but I didn’t. Maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated HIS grace and love as much back then as I do now...
I always wondered what people felt when they proclaimed to have a "freedom in Christ"... I can see the warm glow from the light at the end of my tunnel... and it is magnificent...
Reading Rainbow... March 13, 2008
i’m struggling right now. i miss him so much. i get exhausted from all the crying and sadness, that i push it aside for a couple weeks... only for it all to come rushing back at the end of those weeks...
i tried the group counseling thing... i cried through every session. i felt like i was making it even more traumatic for the people around me.
i’m in a berievement support group... its helpful at times... but most times its overwhelming...
May is fast approaching. It will be one year. A whole year. And for me, its as if no time has passed at all. My heart aches the very same today as it did when i kissed him goodbye in that church in New Mexico...
I look at pictures and I still can’t come to grips with the fact that he’s gone. It’s not real, but I know its a reality... does that make any sense?
I just purchased two books from Barnes and Noble... they are about the loss of a sibling... be prepared Missy and Josh- i’m going to try and talk you into reading them too!
Sometimes when i’m alone I put my face into a pillow and scream "Why did you leave me!!!!!!!" It helps for a few moments... but then the sadness come creeping back...
I feel at times like my heart is going to burst from all my pain...
The world could have benefitted so much from a person like him sticking around. He was such a servant. So generous and kind and funny...
I’m sure God has a heaven full of wonderful people, couldn’t he just have left my brother here? It’s horrible to question God- i feel so awful for doing it- but its how I really feel...
I love him so much. I’m trusting God that one day I won’t feel so lost...
i tried the group counseling thing... i cried through every session. i felt like i was making it even more traumatic for the people around me.
i’m in a berievement support group... its helpful at times... but most times its overwhelming...
May is fast approaching. It will be one year. A whole year. And for me, its as if no time has passed at all. My heart aches the very same today as it did when i kissed him goodbye in that church in New Mexico...
I look at pictures and I still can’t come to grips with the fact that he’s gone. It’s not real, but I know its a reality... does that make any sense?
I just purchased two books from Barnes and Noble... they are about the loss of a sibling... be prepared Missy and Josh- i’m going to try and talk you into reading them too!
Sometimes when i’m alone I put my face into a pillow and scream "Why did you leave me!!!!!!!" It helps for a few moments... but then the sadness come creeping back...
I feel at times like my heart is going to burst from all my pain...
The world could have benefitted so much from a person like him sticking around. He was such a servant. So generous and kind and funny...
I’m sure God has a heaven full of wonderful people, couldn’t he just have left my brother here? It’s horrible to question God- i feel so awful for doing it- but its how I really feel...
I love him so much. I’m trusting God that one day I won’t feel so lost...
Grace... Dec 31, 2007
Despite a few bumps and bruises this year, my life is absolutely, completely, unequivically blessed...
I am married to my best friend. He loves and appreciates every part of me.
I have 4 incredibly unique and beautiful children, who happen to think i'm the greatest mommy there has ever been.
I have a wonderful family, who despite their short comings, are mostly sane, and mostly love me inspite of my flaws.
I have a small group of true friends who take me as I am, without me having to apologize for me, and who cherish me, as much as I cherish them.
I have taken many more steps forward than I have backwards in my spiritual walk this year. I was able to be used by God in ways that I didn't expect, but am tremendously thankful for.
The death of my brother shaped and molded me into a completely different woman- in a good way. My heart still aches for him, but my spirit rests knowing where he is.
I started the year off by being a Jesus lover, and I'm ending the year being in love with Jesus.
He amazes me. His blessings are abundant. His love is
overwhelming. He's been good to me, and I am very grateful.
I am married to my best friend. He loves and appreciates every part of me.
I have 4 incredibly unique and beautiful children, who happen to think i'm the greatest mommy there has ever been.
I have a wonderful family, who despite their short comings, are mostly sane, and mostly love me inspite of my flaws.
I have a small group of true friends who take me as I am, without me having to apologize for me, and who cherish me, as much as I cherish them.
I have taken many more steps forward than I have backwards in my spiritual walk this year. I was able to be used by God in ways that I didn't expect, but am tremendously thankful for.
The death of my brother shaped and molded me into a completely different woman- in a good way. My heart still aches for him, but my spirit rests knowing where he is.
I started the year off by being a Jesus lover, and I'm ending the year being in love with Jesus.
He amazes me. His blessings are abundant. His love is
overwhelming. He's been good to me, and I am very grateful.
Seeester! September 19, 2007
Time does not heal all wounds...
I'm convinced that there are some wounds that perhaps will never heal...
I called my big brother's cell phone praying that his voicemail message would come on- and it did... I just wanted to hear his voice...
And then I called to speak with my sis-in-law and nieces, and as soon as she answered I broke down...
You know, not to toot my own horn- but I'm pretty amazing at alot of things... I can cook. I'm a decent photographer. I'm fantastic with childrens ministry. I'm a pretty rockin' wife and mommy... but there are a few things that I can't seem to wrap my brain around...one of them being GRIEF
I totally and completely suck at it... I have no clue how to "properly" deal with my heart break and sadness.
I wish I knew why he was taken... do I have the right to ask? The God of the universe made His decision- who am I to question it...
I am surrounded by love every single day, and yet i'm filled with an overwhelming loneliness much of the time...
I am so blessed. I do know that. Without doubt, I am one of HIS favorites. (so are you)
The death of my brother is something I have no idea how to come to terms with. I am starting a series of "Grief Share" classes tomorrow. I need a revelation from God through these classes. I need Him to wrap His arms around me and tell me He loves me and that it will soon all be okay. He is good, all the time- and I will continue to seek His face in the midst of my heartache...
I'm convinced that there are some wounds that perhaps will never heal...
I called my big brother's cell phone praying that his voicemail message would come on- and it did... I just wanted to hear his voice...
And then I called to speak with my sis-in-law and nieces, and as soon as she answered I broke down...
You know, not to toot my own horn- but I'm pretty amazing at alot of things... I can cook. I'm a decent photographer. I'm fantastic with childrens ministry. I'm a pretty rockin' wife and mommy... but there are a few things that I can't seem to wrap my brain around...one of them being GRIEF
I totally and completely suck at it... I have no clue how to "properly" deal with my heart break and sadness.
I wish I knew why he was taken... do I have the right to ask? The God of the universe made His decision- who am I to question it...
I am surrounded by love every single day, and yet i'm filled with an overwhelming loneliness much of the time...
I am so blessed. I do know that. Without doubt, I am one of HIS favorites. (so are you)
The death of my brother is something I have no idea how to come to terms with. I am starting a series of "Grief Share" classes tomorrow. I need a revelation from God through these classes. I need Him to wrap His arms around me and tell me He loves me and that it will soon all be okay. He is good, all the time- and I will continue to seek His face in the midst of my heartache...
Gone July 20, 2007
i keep waiting for it to get easier... for it to not hurt so much... to be able to look at your picture and not cry...
i'm not handling you being gone very well...when people ask how I am, I give the standard polite answer, "i'm fine and you?" when really I just want to say "my brother died. he was my best friend. he left behind a wife and 2 daughters. my entire family is lost and hurting. how the hek do you think i'm doing???"
I look at your pictures and I just want to scream and yell at the top of my lungs "its not fair!!!!!"
Dad just hasn't been the same... he can barely say your name without weeping...
I catch Jordon curled up in a ball in his room sobbing and crying out for you...
I often find myself just going through the motions of day to day stuff... just trying to get to tomorrow without a major crying episode...
I've asked God several times why... I haven't gotten an answer yet... or maybe I have... i'm not sure I could hear Him amidst all my heart ache...
I can feel you all around me... watching over us...being the guardian angel you were *i guess* always meant to be...
I see you in Ava's eyes... its comforting to look into those big pretty eyes...
I love you big brother... I miss you...
i'm not handling you being gone very well...when people ask how I am, I give the standard polite answer, "i'm fine and you?" when really I just want to say "my brother died. he was my best friend. he left behind a wife and 2 daughters. my entire family is lost and hurting. how the hek do you think i'm doing???"
I look at your pictures and I just want to scream and yell at the top of my lungs "its not fair!!!!!"
Dad just hasn't been the same... he can barely say your name without weeping...
I catch Jordon curled up in a ball in his room sobbing and crying out for you...
I often find myself just going through the motions of day to day stuff... just trying to get to tomorrow without a major crying episode...
I've asked God several times why... I haven't gotten an answer yet... or maybe I have... i'm not sure I could hear Him amidst all my heart ache...
I can feel you all around me... watching over us...being the guardian angel you were *i guess* always meant to be...
I see you in Ava's eyes... its comforting to look into those big pretty eyes...
I love you big brother... I miss you...
A beautiful tribute... May 27, 2007
My brother's memorial was on Wed... His burial was on Thurs...
I've only seen memorials like his in the movies... A procession over 3 miles long... fire trucks came from all over New Mexico... Airforce, Army, Policeman, Department of Puplic Safety... they all came out to honor my big brother...
He was driven to his burial on the back of a fire truck with an american flag draped over his casket... His last ride was through the streets of Alamogordo and Laluz, and it seemed that even the passersby and strangers were fully aware that someone of utmost importance was being given the greatest of tributes...
His service was heartfelt and so poignant... Through swells of tears, our sister Missy helped deliver the communion... Our brother Josh tearfully recited a passage from the bible...I stood at the pulpit, grasping for words, trying to decide how to describe the most beautiful human being i've ever known...
Watching my father- the most stoic of men- weep uncontrollably was especially difficult... watching my neices call out for their daddy as tears streamed down their faces was heart wrenching... walking up to the casket of my big brother, hand in hand with my little brother and little sister- it was almost too much to bare...kissing his forehead one last time... that feeling is indescribable.
The church was overflowing with people who wanted to say their goodbyes to a man full of integrity, generosity, love and life...The love in that building was overwhelming...
My family will never be the same... but I know my brother is comfortable in the arms of Jesus... waiting for us to meet him there...
Your love and prayers mean so much to all of us... keep them coming... the hard part is just beginning...
I've only seen memorials like his in the movies... A procession over 3 miles long... fire trucks came from all over New Mexico... Airforce, Army, Policeman, Department of Puplic Safety... they all came out to honor my big brother...
He was driven to his burial on the back of a fire truck with an american flag draped over his casket... His last ride was through the streets of Alamogordo and Laluz, and it seemed that even the passersby and strangers were fully aware that someone of utmost importance was being given the greatest of tributes...
His service was heartfelt and so poignant... Through swells of tears, our sister Missy helped deliver the communion... Our brother Josh tearfully recited a passage from the bible...I stood at the pulpit, grasping for words, trying to decide how to describe the most beautiful human being i've ever known...
Watching my father- the most stoic of men- weep uncontrollably was especially difficult... watching my neices call out for their daddy as tears streamed down their faces was heart wrenching... walking up to the casket of my big brother, hand in hand with my little brother and little sister- it was almost too much to bare...kissing his forehead one last time... that feeling is indescribable.
The church was overflowing with people who wanted to say their goodbyes to a man full of integrity, generosity, love and life...The love in that building was overwhelming...
My family will never be the same... but I know my brother is comfortable in the arms of Jesus... waiting for us to meet him there...
Your love and prayers mean so much to all of us... keep them coming... the hard part is just beginning...
He's resting now... May 18, 2007
At 7:45pm today, my big brother Thomas Edward Wilson, went to be with Jesus...
He was only 31 years old. He was an amazing father and husband...
He was my best friend...
He was hardworking, funny, smart, sarcastic, generous and brave...
His daughters will grow up fatherless... he'll never walk them down the aisle, or hold his grandchildren in his arms...
My heart is broken.
Tell the people you care for that you love them as often as you can...
I'm so glad I did.
I will miss him deeply... I will love him always... I will never forget him.
He was only 31 years old. He was an amazing father and husband...
He was my best friend...
He was hardworking, funny, smart, sarcastic, generous and brave...
His daughters will grow up fatherless... he'll never walk them down the aisle, or hold his grandchildren in his arms...
My heart is broken.
Tell the people you care for that you love them as often as you can...
I'm so glad I did.
I will miss him deeply... I will love him always... I will never forget him.
Squeeze my hand... May 8th 2007
As most of you know, i've been in new mexico for over 2 weeks collectively... I had an amazing birthday in new mexico visiting my big brother and his beautiful family... i got back from my trip at 4am in the morning on thurs. and that evening I got one of the most horrifying phone calls of my life... My brother was in the ICU and was on life support.
He has a rare form of cancer that makes his immune system super fragile and on top of that he had his spleen removed when he was a kid which makes you even more vulnerable to illness... it started out as pneumonia, which turned into a full blown body and blood infection and he is fighting for his life...
He's in kidney and liver failure and many other things are going wrong besides that... his insulin is out of whack because the kidney's aren't functioning... because of the lack of blood in his oxygen he's begining to have muscle breakdown... because of the muscle breakdown he's starting to get tissue damage on his feet... he's in an induced coma and can't get the mucus out of his lungs on his own- so they have to suction- but suctioning completely exhausts him and causes him tremendous pain... its a huge never ending hodge podge of medical craziness...
he's got catheters in places I didn't know there could be catheters... he's got an IV going straight into his heart- I've only ever seen that on an episode of ER...
And through all of this, his wife remains ever positive and ever faithful that God is in control. And He is!
My brother is an amazing man. He's smart, funny, strong... he's an incredible daddy and a wonderful husband. He's one of my best friends. I told him I loved him and he squeezed my hand. My heart sang...
Thank ya'll a million times for praying so hard for us... and keep the prayers comin'... I have no idea when i'll be back in San Antonio- but i'll catch up with everyone soon!
love- angy
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