Unexpected

Life. Sometimes it surprises you in the most pleasant of ways. Other times it wrecks you so hard that it hurts to breathe.

I've been going through a grieving process over the last few months. My adult children are doing adult things. They are making their own way in this world, without me to hold their hands, kiss their skinned knees or brush the hair from their face as they sleep at night. That hurts. Its the kind of pain that you can't fathom, you can try to imagine it, but the actuality of it doesn't even come close.

No one warns you of how hard it will be when your children- your heart beat- your sunshine- when they grow up and you are forced to let them go. No one tells you how it will feel as if a part of you has died. No one mentions that you will find yourself up at 2 in the morning wracked with anxiety, wondering if they've made it home safely, is it raining where they are, what if the roads are slippery. No one has words of wisdom about this part of parenting, until its already happened and you are already a mess over it.

I remember bringing my first born home from the hospital and my mother telling me, "Treasure these moments, they grow up so fast." I absolutely remember looking her in the eyes and thinking...i have a whole life time with him.  She was right.

I had dreams and hopes and wants for my children. I pictured them becoming adults and doing very specific things with their own lives. I wanted them to be happy and successful and community driven. I wanted them to discover what they love and chase that passionately. I wanted them to love God more than anything or anyone else.

We don't always get what we want. It's their life to live not mine. Some of the things they have done on their own have made me smile so big, some of the things they have done on their own have made me hit my knees and cry out to God from the deepest part of my heart and soul...

So here I am. It's 1:45 in the morning and I can't sleep. I laid in bed staring blankly into the dark. The tears started to stream down my cheeks. I could feel the wetness of the pillow under my head. I started to weep harder and deeper. I tried to explain my thoughts to my husband but my voice just cracked and shook and I just cried even more.

I keep wondering about the kind of mother I was to them, the kind of mother I am still. Was I loving enough? Was I supportive enough? Did I spend enough quality time with them? Did they feel important? Did they see Jesus in me? I know they love me, but do they like me? Did I do everything in my power to prepare them for this cold cruel world?

Those thoughts cripple me these days. I sit down at my computer to write a paper on criminal law and I soon realize that my fingers have stopped typing and my mind is wandering. I think about them and what they must be doing in that moment. I wonder if they miss me. I wonder if I called them sobbing if I could guilt them into coming back home. Back to me.

Three words. Feet to faith. Who knew that my adult children leaving home would challenge me in the most intense, most soul shaking of ways. I've heard that phrase thrown around my entire Christian walk. I've probably thrown that phrase around myself. This part of my life, this constant anxiety, this painful uncertainty, this is my time to live out those three words. Feet to faith. God is who He says He is. I have to trust Him with my children, all of them. And I do. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Because i'm human, because my mind is full of crazy and chaos, Jesus has to be enough. I'm so thankful that He loves me through my insanity. I'm so thankful that when He sees me, He sees a daughter who is chosen, set a part, and worth it. I couldn't go through my days, especially these particular days, without the grace and mercy and love of God.

Jesus is enough. That is my truth. He is the hope that I cling to. I know I am not alone. Mothers have been mourning the cutting of the apron strings for hundreds of years. They survived, and I will too. If my story is your story, tell me about it. I love a good story- I'm a great listener. Let's laugh and cry and love each other through it together...


Love first, love more, love always,
Angy

You're not the boss of me!

     Shame on me! It's been about 2 years since I've last blogged. I went into the idea of blogging thinking that I would be consistent. Alas, life is chaotic, and unpredictable and can get in the way sometimes...so here I am, at it again!

     If you will allow me, I'd love to share with you my experiences about a new adventure I am about to embark upon.  (que the suspenseful music) I am going to attempt to give up SUGAR! Do not adjust your screens, you've read that correctly. Start praying for me...and my family! 

     Let me explain why: In 2010 I had a total hysterectomy at the age of 32. I had fibroids, cysts, endometriosis and cancer cells in my uterine lining. I am stubborn, and a bit of an idiot, and I opted to not do any form of hormone replacement therapy. I felt the risks were too great, and with my own history and my family's history with various cancers, HRT just wasn't for me.

     For some reason I thought that I could just tough it out and go through menopause at a such a young age all on my own. After all, weren't there menopausal women of generations past? They didn't have access to synthetic hormone treatments right? I mean, what about Eve? I'm sure at some point she started to take that turn in life, and she got through it right? 

     WRONG! Well kinda. Yes, women since the dawn of time have been going through what I've been through and they haven't had the luxury of prescription medications to help ease them through this hellish transition. But what they did have was the earth, and all the medicinal goodness in the forms of herbs and oils. Things I had not even considered until a couple months ago.

     I came to a point just a little while ago where I got completely fed up with feeling like crap. (and that was on a GOOD day.) It was becoming torturous. I was sluggish, foggy minded, anxiety ridden, emotional, moody, depressed and extremely fatigued. I suspected that I was experiencing side effects of my hysterectomy and going through menopause. I began to research my symptoms and do lots of reading on hysterectomies. I spoke to many women in different forums who were all suffering from the same issues as me. 

     What I discovered is that it was a terrible idea to just be all "lone wolf" with my recovery after my hysterectomy. My body had just been through a major trauma and everything was unbalanced and out of whack. I should have helped to ease my body's transition into menopause with something, even it was all natural. (herbs, creams, supplements.)

     So here I am, typing away with my essential oil diffuser necklace on, smelling like ylang ylang and clary sage. Taking my supplements, and getting through day #2 with no sugar. I decided to try this because everything I've read suggests that sugar has a serious effect on our bodies ability to heal. Sugar turns into toxins in our liver. When we ingest sugar there is a part of the brain that lights up like a Christmas tree- the feeling it gives us mimics what happens to someone when they take cocaine. Cutting sugar out of our diets can eliminate brain fog, anxiety and fatigue. It can't hurt me to try this, so I'm giving it a shot.

     I really expected day 1 and 2 to be incredibly difficult, but it isn't at all.  I noticed that I have not needed or craved my mid day nap that has plague me for the past several months. Giving up sugar does force you to read labels, and holy cow, sugar is in practically everything! 

     I am excited to see where this takes me. I can only get healthier from here!

Love first, love always, love more!
Angy