Reading Rainbow... March 13, 2008

i’m struggling right now. i miss him so much. i get exhausted from all the crying and sadness, that i push it aside for a couple weeks... only for it all to come rushing back at the end of those weeks...

i tried the group counseling thing... i cried through every session. i felt like i was making it even more traumatic for the people around me.

i’m in a berievement support group... its helpful at times... but most times its overwhelming...

May is fast approaching. It will be one year. A whole year. And for me, its as if no time has passed at all. My heart aches the very same today as it did when i kissed him goodbye in that church in New Mexico...

I look at pictures and I still can’t come to grips with the fact that he’s gone. It’s not real, but I know its a reality... does that make any sense?

I just purchased two books from Barnes and Noble... they are about the loss of a sibling... be prepared Missy and Josh- i’m going to try and talk you into reading them too!

Sometimes when i’m alone I put my face into a pillow and scream "Why did you leave me!!!!!!!" It helps for a few moments... but then the sadness come creeping back...

I feel at times like my heart is going to burst from all my pain...

The world could have benefitted so much from a person like him sticking around. He was such a servant. So generous and kind and funny...

I’m sure God has a heaven full of wonderful people, couldn’t he just have left my brother here? It’s horrible to question God- i feel so awful for doing it- but its how I really feel...

I love him so much. I’m trusting God that one day I won’t feel so lost...

Grace... Dec 31, 2007

Despite a few bumps and bruises this year, my life is absolutely, completely, unequivically blessed...

I am married to my best friend. He loves and appreciates every part of me.

I have 4 incredibly unique and beautiful children, who happen to think i'm the greatest mommy there has ever been.

I have a wonderful family, who despite their short comings, are mostly sane, and mostly love me inspite of my flaws.

I have a small group of true friends who take me as I am, without me having to apologize for me, and who cherish me, as much as I cherish them.

I have taken many more steps forward than I have backwards in my spiritual walk this year. I was able to be used by God in ways that I didn't expect, but am tremendously thankful for.

The death of my brother shaped and molded me into a completely different woman- in a good way. My heart still aches for him, but my spirit rests knowing where he is.

I started the year off by being a Jesus lover, and I'm ending the year being in love with Jesus.

He amazes me. His blessings are abundant. His love is
overwhelming. He's been good to me, and I am very grateful.

Seeester! September 19, 2007

Time does not heal all wounds...

I'm convinced that there are some wounds that perhaps will never heal...

I called my big brother's cell phone praying that his voicemail message would come on- and it did... I just wanted to hear his voice...

And then I called to speak with my sis-in-law and nieces, and as soon as she answered I broke down...

You know, not to toot my own horn- but I'm pretty amazing at alot of things... I can cook. I'm a decent photographer. I'm fantastic with childrens ministry. I'm a pretty rockin' wife and mommy... but there are a few things that I can't seem to wrap my brain around...one of them being GRIEF

I totally and completely suck at it... I have no clue how to "properly" deal with my heart break and sadness.

I wish I knew why he was taken... do I have the right to ask? The God of the universe made His decision- who am I to question it...

I am surrounded by love every single day, and yet i'm filled with an overwhelming loneliness much of the time...

I am so blessed. I do know that. Without doubt, I am one of HIS favorites. (so are you)

The death of my brother is something I have no idea how to come to terms with. I am starting a series of "Grief Share" classes tomorrow. I need a revelation from God through these classes. I need Him to wrap His arms around me and tell me He loves me and that it will soon all be okay. He is good, all the time- and I will continue to seek His face in the midst of my heartache...

Gone July 20, 2007

i keep waiting for it to get easier... for it to not hurt so much... to be able to look at your picture and not cry...

i'm not handling you being gone very well...when people ask how I am, I give the standard polite answer, "i'm fine and you?" when really I just want to say "my brother died. he was my best friend. he left behind a wife and 2 daughters. my entire family is lost and hurting. how the hek do you think i'm doing???"

I look at your pictures and I just want to scream and yell at the top of my lungs "its not fair!!!!!"

Dad just hasn't been the same... he can barely say your name without weeping...

I catch Jordon curled up in a ball in his room sobbing and crying out for you...

I often find myself just going through the motions of day to day stuff... just trying to get to tomorrow without a major crying episode...

I've asked God several times why... I haven't gotten an answer yet... or maybe I have... i'm not sure I could hear Him amidst all my heart ache...

I can feel you all around me... watching over us...being the guardian angel you were *i guess* always meant to be...

I see you in Ava's eyes... its comforting to look into those big pretty eyes...

I love you big brother... I miss you...

A beautiful tribute... May 27, 2007

My brother's memorial was on Wed... His burial was on Thurs...

I've only seen memorials like his in the movies... A procession over 3 miles long... fire trucks came from all over New Mexico... Airforce, Army, Policeman, Department of Puplic Safety... they all came out to honor my big brother...

He was driven to his burial on the back of a fire truck with an american flag draped over his casket... His last ride was through the streets of Alamogordo and Laluz, and it seemed that even the passersby and strangers were fully aware that someone of utmost importance was being given the greatest of tributes...

His service was heartfelt and so poignant... Through swells of tears, our sister Missy helped deliver the communion... Our brother Josh tearfully recited a passage from the bible...I stood at the pulpit, grasping for words, trying to decide how to describe the most beautiful human being i've ever known...

Watching my father- the most stoic of men- weep uncontrollably was especially difficult... watching my neices call out for their daddy as tears streamed down their faces was heart wrenching... walking up to the casket of my big brother, hand in hand with my little brother and little sister- it was almost too much to bare...kissing his forehead one last time... that feeling is indescribable.

The church was overflowing with people who wanted to say their goodbyes to a man full of integrity, generosity, love and life...The love in that building was overwhelming...

My family will never be the same... but I know my brother is comfortable in the arms of Jesus... waiting for us to meet him there...

Your love and prayers mean so much to all of us... keep them coming... the hard part is just beginning...

He's resting now... May 18, 2007

At 7:45pm today, my big brother Thomas Edward Wilson, went to be with Jesus...

He was only 31 years old. He was an amazing father and husband...

He was my best friend...

He was hardworking, funny, smart, sarcastic, generous and brave...

His daughters will grow up fatherless... he'll never walk them down the aisle, or hold his grandchildren in his arms...

My heart is broken.

Tell the people you care for that you love them as often as you can...
I'm so glad I did.

I will miss him deeply... I will love him always... I will never forget him.

Squeeze my hand... May 8th 2007

As most of you know, i've been in new mexico for over 2 weeks collectively... I had an amazing birthday in new mexico visiting my big brother and his beautiful family... i got back from my trip at 4am in the morning on thurs. and that evening I got one of the most horrifying phone calls of my life... My brother was in the ICU and was on life support.

He has a rare form of cancer that makes his immune system super fragile and on top of that he had his spleen removed when he was a kid which makes you even more vulnerable to illness... it started out as pneumonia, which turned into a full blown body and blood infection and he is fighting for his life...

He's in kidney and liver failure and many other things are going wrong besides that... his insulin is out of whack because the kidney's aren't functioning... because of the lack of blood in his oxygen he's begining to have muscle breakdown... because of the muscle breakdown he's starting to get tissue damage on his feet... he's in an induced coma and can't get the mucus out of his lungs on his own- so they have to suction- but suctioning completely exhausts him and causes him tremendous pain... its a huge never ending hodge podge of medical craziness...

he's got catheters in places I didn't know there could be catheters... he's got an IV going straight into his heart- I've only ever seen that on an episode of ER...

And through all of this, his wife remains ever positive and ever faithful that God is in control. And He is!

My brother is an amazing man. He's smart, funny, strong... he's an incredible daddy and a wonderful husband. He's one of my best friends. I told him I loved him and he squeezed my hand. My heart sang...

Thank ya'll a million times for praying so hard for us... and keep the prayers comin'... I have no idea when i'll be back in San Antonio- but i'll catch up with everyone soon!

love- angy