I recieved the most wonderful gift today. My sister in law Patty, sent a package to my parents house. Inside were many of my big brother's most treasured possesions...
His winter fireman's coat... leather saddlebags from his Harley... several of his leather riding coats... chaps... and a raggedy t-shirt that means the world to me...
A couple weeks before my brother died, we got matching tattoos... when it was my turn to get inked, i realized i was going to have to rip apart my shirt to get it to go down around my waist so i could get tatted up... it was either that or disrobe completely, and being the big brother that he was, TJ was absolutely not letting me take my top off! So he gave me the shirt off his back and ripped out the shoulder and basically turned it into a tube top for me... when he passed away, more than anything, I wanted that shirt. It symbolized so much to me... how loving he was, how giving, how silly, how protective of me as his baby sister... I needed that shirt.
Two years, and many many tears later, I have the shirt. I could feel Jesus wrapping his arms around me as I pulled that shirt out of the box. Have you ever felt that? That feeling is indescribable...
I grabbed one of his favorite leather coats and ran my fingers over the dirt and mud... I put my hands in one of the pockets and felt something... then as if to tell my daddy how much he loves him- out fell my brother's purple bandana... still stinky and crumbled up and tied perfectly to fit around his head... wow. My mamma and daddy just hugged each other tightly and sobbed.
My dad put on one of my brother's coats and nearly collapsed with emotion... I held my daddy as we both wept... there were some tears of sorrow- but there were many tears of joy- and tears of relief- but mostly there were tears because God is sovereign- and He gave us a gift today that will have a huge part in healing this family... finally.
To Patty: Thank you so very much for sending that box. It means everything to us. I will be forever grateful to you for parting with those items...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Weird Al & butt wiping? Jan 1, 2009
I've been knitting alot lately and it has given me the opportunity to sit back and just listen to the ridiculously silly conversations that take place in the insane asylum known as the casa de Hogan...
for example, tonight after a yummy dinner of homemade tortilla soup, some friends were playing the wii with ava rolling around in the room making hissing noises. Bruce says to Ava "you must be a vampiress." Andrew then says "The only way to kill a vampire is to stab it with its own tooth- and that's a fact." "Bruce says- first of all- it can't be a fact, they don't exist- but everyone knows you only kill a vampire by driving a steak through its heart- preferably a sirloin."
Being a stay at home mom is amazing... I get loved on 24-7... a couple weeks ago Roo comes into my room with his guitar and says "mommy i have a song for you." He then starts to strum his guitar while singing the song Falling Slowly...its one of my favorites...
Then the other day I wake up to this tickling on my cheek- it was Ava giving me butterfly kisses with her eyelashes...
The day after Christmas I caught Summy in a kid friendly chat room telling her friends that God blessed her family with the best Christmas ever...
And then there's Jordon- he still hugs me and gives me a big ole smooch before he leaves the house- in front of his friends!
Then theres my big Sexy.. he's the funniest person i know... we have so much fun together- people tell us that its not healthy that we don't fight- i say poo on them! He's my bestfriend- I love and respect him tremendously- we have such a blessed life...
I'm currently listening to a house full of people gettin jiggy to Weird Al- there's laughter, love and a small child yelling for someone to please wipe their butt... what else could you ask for?
happy new year ya'll! love and blessings always!
for example, tonight after a yummy dinner of homemade tortilla soup, some friends were playing the wii with ava rolling around in the room making hissing noises. Bruce says to Ava "you must be a vampiress." Andrew then says "The only way to kill a vampire is to stab it with its own tooth- and that's a fact." "Bruce says- first of all- it can't be a fact, they don't exist- but everyone knows you only kill a vampire by driving a steak through its heart- preferably a sirloin."
Being a stay at home mom is amazing... I get loved on 24-7... a couple weeks ago Roo comes into my room with his guitar and says "mommy i have a song for you." He then starts to strum his guitar while singing the song Falling Slowly...its one of my favorites...
Then the other day I wake up to this tickling on my cheek- it was Ava giving me butterfly kisses with her eyelashes...
The day after Christmas I caught Summy in a kid friendly chat room telling her friends that God blessed her family with the best Christmas ever...
And then there's Jordon- he still hugs me and gives me a big ole smooch before he leaves the house- in front of his friends!
Then theres my big Sexy.. he's the funniest person i know... we have so much fun together- people tell us that its not healthy that we don't fight- i say poo on them! He's my bestfriend- I love and respect him tremendously- we have such a blessed life...
I'm currently listening to a house full of people gettin jiggy to Weird Al- there's laughter, love and a small child yelling for someone to please wipe their butt... what else could you ask for?
happy new year ya'll! love and blessings always!
Just let go... Dec 1, 2008
I hate it when people say to me that i need to just "let him go". WTFlip??? are you serious? he wasn't a favorite dress... he's not a dead goldfish... he's my freaking brother. he was my best friend. my hero. the person in my life that i looked up to the very most. and i'm suppose to just "let him go"...
yes- i understand that he's gone and he's not ever coming back. now what? am i just suppose to tuck my grief away in a dark closet and jump right back into my life???
and don't give me the "he wouldn't want you to be so sad" speech... i'm sure he wouldn't want me to be so sad- but i'm sure he also didn't plan on dying and leaving me without my big brother.
i've become a pro at putting on a happy face when i'm out and about- but then i get home and i have to face my pain... its devastating.. its overwhelming... its exhausting..
i'm freaking broken. i'm so lost without him. i cry about everything- especially about him. i want him back. how am i suppose to live the rest of my life without him?
Whats the buzz... Nov 26, 2008
Tonight was one of the most spectacular nights of my entire life. I got to be a part of someone's dream coming true.
Anyone who knows Sexy is well aware of his love for the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar".
For several years I have been searching for a show to go to, but they have always been way too far away. (new york).
Well this year Jesus Christ Superstar went off broadway and came to Colorado~! So for our anniversary I suprised Sexy and bought us tickets. Not just any tickets- 2nd row tickets!
I've been excited for months now, but today I was just flippin bursting!
So we walk into the theatre and we are shown to our seats- not only were we 2nd row- we were 2nd row in the orchestra pit. (I could have reached up and touch the actors, but I didn't want to get kicked out) We sat down and Sexy just stared at the stage and I could see how excited he was- we ended up sitting next to a guy who is a huge fan of the musical too- he actually played guitar for several shows! So after chatting a bit the lights dimmed and the music started- we grabbed each other's hands and just looked at each other with these huge smiles on our goofy faces... When Jesus came out onto the stage we both got super misty eyed (okay we were crying)...
I can't describe the feeling of watching someone elses dream come true... it was so beautiful...
Anyway- so i have to get up at the hiney crack of dawn to start my trip to Missouri, but i just wanted to share a little about our evening with ya'll!
Have a yummy Thanksgiving~!
Anyone who knows Sexy is well aware of his love for the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar".
For several years I have been searching for a show to go to, but they have always been way too far away. (new york).
Well this year Jesus Christ Superstar went off broadway and came to Colorado~! So for our anniversary I suprised Sexy and bought us tickets. Not just any tickets- 2nd row tickets!
I've been excited for months now, but today I was just flippin bursting!
So we walk into the theatre and we are shown to our seats- not only were we 2nd row- we were 2nd row in the orchestra pit. (I could have reached up and touch the actors, but I didn't want to get kicked out) We sat down and Sexy just stared at the stage and I could see how excited he was- we ended up sitting next to a guy who is a huge fan of the musical too- he actually played guitar for several shows! So after chatting a bit the lights dimmed and the music started- we grabbed each other's hands and just looked at each other with these huge smiles on our goofy faces... When Jesus came out onto the stage we both got super misty eyed (okay we were crying)...
I can't describe the feeling of watching someone elses dream come true... it was so beautiful...
Anyway- so i have to get up at the hiney crack of dawn to start my trip to Missouri, but i just wanted to share a little about our evening with ya'll!
Have a yummy Thanksgiving~!
Kids, Kitchen, Politics July 9, 2008
The following conversation took place in our kitchen today... it was silly, and serious, and ridiculous and I almost peed my pants... so I thought i'd share...
Summer: jordon could you get the rest of the ranch outta the bottle for me?
Jordon: ummm... let me think- NO!
Summer: Geez Jordon!
Jordon: Shut up Summer!
Daddy: Guys knock it off! Fight about something worthwhile- Jordon you go off and vote for Obama- Summer you go and vote for McCain- then come back to the table and argue about that.
Jordon: I like Obama.
Mommy: What? If you could vote who would you vote for?
Jordon: heck yes- I'd vote for Obama.
Daddy: ***gives Jordon huge high five smiling proudly
Rueben: What's an Obama?
Summer: Are you serious? You would vote for Obama? I don't think he believes in God.
Mommy: ***feeling a little light headed blurts out "I will not raise a democrat!"
Rueben: What's a democrat?
Ava: Can I just get another corndog!!!
Daddy: okay guys, keep fighting, I gotta get to work.
Jordon: I think Obama is a good guy- I think he will make lots of good changes.
Summer: I'm pretty sure I heard he could be a muslim and I think that means he worships that really fat guy that is always laughing.
Mommy: ***almost choking on her tater tot*** I think you mean Buddha... Buddha is the really fat guy- Muslims worship Allah.
Jordon: Ahah???
Mommy: No! not ahah, Allah...
Summer: Mommy who are you voting for?
Mommy: No one- they all suck. If my vote is my voice, then I choose not to speak.
Jordon: Good- then don't vote and then Obama will become president and I will laugh.
Summer: I like Huckabee. Why can't he be president?
Mommy: Because he didn't create enough buzz...
Ava: I want to be president so I can have another corndog.
Everyone: ***laughs hysterically
Summer: jordon could you get the rest of the ranch outta the bottle for me?
Jordon: ummm... let me think- NO!
Summer: Geez Jordon!
Jordon: Shut up Summer!
Daddy: Guys knock it off! Fight about something worthwhile- Jordon you go off and vote for Obama- Summer you go and vote for McCain- then come back to the table and argue about that.
Jordon: I like Obama.
Mommy: What? If you could vote who would you vote for?
Jordon: heck yes- I'd vote for Obama.
Daddy: ***gives Jordon huge high five smiling proudly
Rueben: What's an Obama?
Summer: Are you serious? You would vote for Obama? I don't think he believes in God.
Mommy: ***feeling a little light headed blurts out "I will not raise a democrat!"
Rueben: What's a democrat?
Ava: Can I just get another corndog!!!
Daddy: okay guys, keep fighting, I gotta get to work.
Jordon: I think Obama is a good guy- I think he will make lots of good changes.
Summer: I'm pretty sure I heard he could be a muslim and I think that means he worships that really fat guy that is always laughing.
Mommy: ***almost choking on her tater tot*** I think you mean Buddha... Buddha is the really fat guy- Muslims worship Allah.
Jordon: Ahah???
Mommy: No! not ahah, Allah...
Summer: Mommy who are you voting for?
Mommy: No one- they all suck. If my vote is my voice, then I choose not to speak.
Jordon: Good- then don't vote and then Obama will become president and I will laugh.
Summer: I like Huckabee. Why can't he be president?
Mommy: Because he didn't create enough buzz...
Ava: I want to be president so I can have another corndog.
Everyone: ***laughs hysterically
One. May 18, 2008
Have you ever questioned God? In the past year I have questioned HIM many many times...
I am aware of God's goodness... I see it around me daily... I live a blessed life...
But there is this part of me that wonders why God didn't just heal my brother... I mean wouldn't that have been a wonderful testimony of God's power and grace?
I keep going back and forth with my emotions... some days I think "okay Lord- I'm at peace with my brother being gone"... other days I think "why? why? why did YOU take him???"
Its so hard to come to grips with the fact that he is dead. He's never coming back. How can it be a year already? It feels like I said goodbye just yesterday...
I look at pictures and I reach out to them and I sob...
I want him back... I need him... a girl needs her big brother...
Time is suppose to heal all wounds... but how much time? and how can a wound like this ever heal?
I have never in my life felt a pain like this... At times its overwhelming... the ache in my heart hurts more than I ever thought possible...
and as much pain as i'm in...my daddy is hurting even more... I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to bury your best friend- your first born- a perfect child- an extraordinary man... when I look at my daddy, there is no joy in his eyes... he has moments of happiness, but they have been few and far between... and I can't seem to find any words to comfort him...
when my brother died our family was turned upside down... there is an emptiness in each of us- the sunday school answer is "let God fill that hole"... yes I understand that in a perfect world, we would miss him terribly but we would move on with our life... but we're only human- and this isn't a perfect world...
I think about him everyday... i replay conversations in my head... I close my eyes and see his beautiful hazel eyes... I lay my head on my pillow at night and I hear his laugh... I see a little bit of him in each of my children...
When will it get easier?
I love him . I miss him. I want him back...
I am aware of God's goodness... I see it around me daily... I live a blessed life...
But there is this part of me that wonders why God didn't just heal my brother... I mean wouldn't that have been a wonderful testimony of God's power and grace?
I keep going back and forth with my emotions... some days I think "okay Lord- I'm at peace with my brother being gone"... other days I think "why? why? why did YOU take him???"
Its so hard to come to grips with the fact that he is dead. He's never coming back. How can it be a year already? It feels like I said goodbye just yesterday...
I look at pictures and I reach out to them and I sob...
I want him back... I need him... a girl needs her big brother...
Time is suppose to heal all wounds... but how much time? and how can a wound like this ever heal?
I have never in my life felt a pain like this... At times its overwhelming... the ache in my heart hurts more than I ever thought possible...
and as much pain as i'm in...my daddy is hurting even more... I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to bury your best friend- your first born- a perfect child- an extraordinary man... when I look at my daddy, there is no joy in his eyes... he has moments of happiness, but they have been few and far between... and I can't seem to find any words to comfort him...
when my brother died our family was turned upside down... there is an emptiness in each of us- the sunday school answer is "let God fill that hole"... yes I understand that in a perfect world, we would miss him terribly but we would move on with our life... but we're only human- and this isn't a perfect world...
I think about him everyday... i replay conversations in my head... I close my eyes and see his beautiful hazel eyes... I lay my head on my pillow at night and I hear his laugh... I see a little bit of him in each of my children...
When will it get easier?
I love him . I miss him. I want him back...
God of Wonders March 24, 2008
One of my very best girlfriends came to visit me from San Antonio for a week- it was wonderful... she’s lovely and it was fantastic to see her and hang out...
On the way back from the airport Thomas and I had a conversation that was 8 years in the making...
There are things from my past that are shameful and sad and had burdened me since the very day I knew I loved my Sexy... So we had a conversation about forgiveness...
He knew about the things that pained me from long ago, they were just never an issue to him... however they have been breaking my heart for years now...
It is beyond me why of all the people in this big world, I end up with one of the most beautiful human beings that ever existed... I get the pleasure of growing old with this man... He loves me. For me. Wow.
Forgiveness is a precious thing... God’s forgiveness is there for the taking... you have but to ask for it... HIS grace humbles me.
I realized that the person I was seeking forgiveness from wasn’t God, it wasn’t Sexy, it was me...
It’s so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that God’s love for me is truly unconditional. That it is so big it can’t be contained... That the moment I asked for HIS forgiveness, it was forgiven. That the hurt and shame i’ve been carrying for years is because of me- I let the enemy convince me that there was grace and mercy for everyone but ME... That even though HE forgave it, it was so awful that I in some way continued to internally punish myself for it...I suppose there are many people who feel that way... Who feel like the horrible thing they have done is the one thing God can’t forgive or that HE does forgive it, but HE carries around the disappointment just like we do...
I wish i’d had this conversation 8 years ago... but I didn’t. Maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated HIS grace and love as much back then as I do now...
I always wondered what people felt when they proclaimed to have a "freedom in Christ"... I can see the warm glow from the light at the end of my tunnel... and it is magnificent...
On the way back from the airport Thomas and I had a conversation that was 8 years in the making...
There are things from my past that are shameful and sad and had burdened me since the very day I knew I loved my Sexy... So we had a conversation about forgiveness...
He knew about the things that pained me from long ago, they were just never an issue to him... however they have been breaking my heart for years now...
It is beyond me why of all the people in this big world, I end up with one of the most beautiful human beings that ever existed... I get the pleasure of growing old with this man... He loves me. For me. Wow.
Forgiveness is a precious thing... God’s forgiveness is there for the taking... you have but to ask for it... HIS grace humbles me.
I realized that the person I was seeking forgiveness from wasn’t God, it wasn’t Sexy, it was me...
It’s so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that God’s love for me is truly unconditional. That it is so big it can’t be contained... That the moment I asked for HIS forgiveness, it was forgiven. That the hurt and shame i’ve been carrying for years is because of me- I let the enemy convince me that there was grace and mercy for everyone but ME... That even though HE forgave it, it was so awful that I in some way continued to internally punish myself for it...I suppose there are many people who feel that way... Who feel like the horrible thing they have done is the one thing God can’t forgive or that HE does forgive it, but HE carries around the disappointment just like we do...
I wish i’d had this conversation 8 years ago... but I didn’t. Maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated HIS grace and love as much back then as I do now...
I always wondered what people felt when they proclaimed to have a "freedom in Christ"... I can see the warm glow from the light at the end of my tunnel... and it is magnificent...
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